4x04: All the Best Surprises Have Daddy Issues

 The Giraffetasaur sat at the bar, looking upset. Season four hadn’t gone the way he had hoped. “I never shoulda listened to him,” he said to the bartender.

“Yeah, and I never shoulda poured you that last drink.”

The Giraffetasaur finished his glass and slammed it down. “Gimme another.”

“You’ve had enough milk for one night.”

The Giraffetsaur growled. He was wearing a milkstache, to no one’s surprise.

“You’ve had enough,” the bartender repeated. But something else had caught the Giraffetasaur’s attention. The news was on. 

He stood up from the bar. “I have to go back…” he said.

“Exactly what I—” the bartender started, but the Giraffetasaur walked off, toward the TV. “Hey! How about paying your tab?”

Then someone else spoke, confidently and bravely. “I’ll handle that.” They turned.

It was Chardion. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.

***

The baby couldn't sleep, still locked in that cage, and wondering why the nonlinear narrative was so fashionable in postmodern literature. The baby preferred chronological plots that respected substance over form—especially late American romanticism.

Suddenly, a chirp came from outside the cage door. “Are you awake, baby?”

  The baby stayed quiet for a second, but realized the plot might never progress if there wasn’t a little dialogue soon.

“What do you want?” the baby asked.

“Please,” the bird looked around, “stay quiet. I can’t let her know I’m here. My name is Margret.”

“Half egret? Why would I trust you?”

“There’s no time. You must find the white male.”

The baby was confused. “Which white male?”

“Tell him ‘It was day.’ ”

“What? I don’t even…” Just then the baby heard a metallic clink by the door. “Hello?”

The baby waddled over. Margret was gone, but the door was unlocked. The baby creaked it open, until he heard a voice behind him.

“What’s going on?” It was the nurse, looking surprised, but beautiful as ever.

“We have to find the white male.”

“What? How do you know?”

“Let’s just say”—the baby grinned—“a little birdie told me.”

***

The Giraffetasaur woke up in a dark room. He felt a sting in his neck.

“Hey!” he shouted into the darkness, “what going on here?”

A familiar voice responded over a loudspeaker: “You’re in the dark room.”

The Giraffetasaur was not surprised.

The voice continued: “You will bring back Brittany, but she won’t take your blood.”

“Now, why would I go and do that?” The Giraffetasaur growled.

“Because we’ve injected you with Giraffetacide. If you don’t bring back Brittany in the next episode, the poison will eat your giraffe half, and she’ll stay dead. Forever.”

The Giraffetasaur cringed, but he knew he the voice was right. “On one condition.”

“That is?”

“Take me to her yourself, dad.”

Just then, a door swung open. “I guess there’s no surprising you… son.”

King Mean Man stood in the doorway, snarling and cackling villainously. But he was wearing a dogstache. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.

4x03: They Took My Baby

Brittany was reminiscing about season four. It hadn’t been very good. And of course, when she finally came back to life in the fifth episode, no one was surprised.

She told her friends she was glad to be alive. But her newfound cigarette habit told careful viewers a different story.

“They took my baby,” she said to someone off-screen.

“I know, Brittany. You'll just have to trust my plan.” The voice was cold and mean.

“Has Joe figured it out?” Brittany was concerned.

“Not quite.”

Brittany sighed. “But you've convinced him to go back?” The shot widened, revealing that mean girl.

“That's right.” She cackled. “And when does, everyone will be so surprised.”

***

“We found the body!”

Marecrow had sent Chardion and Scobatron IV to retrieve Brittany’s corpse. They had heard rumors about Brittany. Apparently, she was not a very dynamic or interesting character, but that dumb show revolved around her love for some inhuman creature anyway.

Marecrow rushed down, into the hull, smiling and villainously eyeing the dead girl.

“If we bring her back,” Chardion was so unsure of himself, “will she be half-lion? Like me?”

“I guess we’ll ‘half’ to wait and see.” Scobatron IV had recently been programmed to make puns. It was not very good, but it certainly was not the only poorly written program around.

Marecrow sneered. “Prepare her room!” she commanded.

Chardion and Scobatron IV nodded their heads submissively, grabbed Brittany and carried her away.

***

“Who’s that guy on the other side of the cage?” The baby was curious, but no one else seemed to care.

“Do you think Brittany’s okay?” The nurse looked over at the Giraffetasaur.

The Giraffetasaur was brooding, as usual. “They want her,” he said gruffly, “just as bad as we do.”

“And they can bring her back?”

The Giraffetasaur didn’t have time to respond, because just then, a few guards swung open the cage, pointing their guns at him.

“You’re coming with us, you dirty animal.” It wasn’t a fair characterization. The Giraffetasaur was only dirty because the guards had stuck him in that cage outside.

“You gonna shoot me? Far as I know, I’m the only one who knows how to bring her back.”

“Nope,” the guard laughed. “Gonna shoot the baby.” He grabbed the baby out of the cage. “On your knees!”

The guard looked at the Giraffetasaur, then back down. “Come with us, or we’re gonna shoot this stupid baby’s fat head.”

The Giraffetasaur grimaced. “Go ahead. Shoot the damn baby.”

“No!” The nurse screamed, and knocked the Giraffetasaur’s head against the bars. Sometimes it was a little too easy to knock people out in these shows. But it was still pretty surprising.

“Go ahead, take him away.” The nurse was scared. “Just don’t hurt that baby.”

“And how are we supposed to make this animal cooperate when he wakes up?”

The nurse reached into her pocket. “Give him this,” she spoke softly, and removed a syringe.

“I’m going to kill that baby if this doesn’t work,” the guard grumbled. “But what is it?”

“Isn't that obvious?” The nurse just smiled. “It's a surprise.”

4x02: We Have to Go Back

The crew disembarked, walked past some stupid-looking guards, and through the open gate. There was a crowd waiting. 

A woman stepped in front of the crowd. She acted like she was in charge, smacking her lips villainously. Birds were flying away, terrified of her assertive, type A tendencies. It was the Marecrow.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” she sneered.

“Ain’t here to see you," the Giraffetasaur said handsomely. “Take us to the king.”

“How thoughtless of me. I should’ve known you’d want to see your daddy.” She laughed.

The Giraffetasaur looked so serious: “Now.”

Her smile turned. “Lot’s changed since you’ve been gone,” she hissed. He growled and stepped toward the Marecrow. Her guards lifted their guns instantly.

He stopped. Then grinned. He took another step toward her. One guard fired a shot. Immediately, that big headed baby pulled a gun, shot once, and killed that guard.

The other guards were so surprised. They didn’t realize the baby killed Joe’s clone in season one. And they definitely didn’t want to shoot a baby. It probably just needed a new diaper, they thought. But the baby was so smart and—noting their hesitancy—shot a few more guards, reloaded and killed the rest.

The baby spoke firmly, gun pointed at the Marecrow: “Why don’t you take us to the king.”

She just laughed. Suddenly, a Giraffetasaur cage fell from the sky. The Giraffetasaur and his crew were trapped.

The nurse screamed, “no!”

                                                  

“This old thing?” the Marecrow smiled. “Don’t look so surprised.”

***

Elsewhere, Joe and Brad were posing for a picture.

“We have to go back,” said Joe. He was so heroic, and the star of the most surprising ever serial mystery, but Joe was getting kind of lame.

“Seriously?" Brad asked. "What’s the point? Brittany’s gone. The show’s awful. Let it go.” Brad was being pretty sensible. The show wasn’t very good.

“I can fix this." Joe looked desperate. "I can save her. I can—”

Just then, Colonel Mean Man barged in, short of breath. “Excuse me.”

“What do you want, villain?” Joe said, not caring much. The Colonel was the worst.

But the Colonel was not discouraged: “The mean girl is gone!”

Brad stared blankly. “Who cares?”

Joe did. It was giving him a plan. And he was so surprised.

The Colonel looked so serious. “She’s on her way to the Surpisland!”

“So you’re saying,” Joe tried to look serious, “we have to go back.”

Brad sighed. “This is so stupid.”

“You’re not getting it,” Colonel Mean Man replied. “She’s looking for the baby!”

Joe grimaced. “And that would mean the end of…”

“Just stop.” Brad was annoyed—but then, intense, dissonant orchestral music started playing. “Every season the show comes back. And every season it gets dumber. And are they just recycling these pictures from season one? At this point, I’m okay with the end of the show.”

 “No!” The Colonel was pretty mad now. But at least it was a new picture. “Don’t you see? Surprise Joe was cancelled almost two seasons ago!” The music was getting louder.

Joe continued: “If she finds the baby, it won’t just be the end of the show.” Suddenly Joe grew a beard, and the background music was making some pretty boring dialogue seem important.

“If we don't go back, it won't just be the end.” Suddenly, the music stopped. “It will be a vague, unsatisfying ending.”

4x01: Live Together, Surprise Alone

It wasn't really gone that long.

But they felt like they'd been waiting forever.

So when it finally came back, they were so surprised.

“I sure didn’t expect this,” said Chardion. He was pretty anxious, but he couldn't watch that surprising ship return to its harbor. He had to stare straight ahead. Partly because he had such an important job: he was guarding the most important gate on the whole island! But mostly, Chardion didn’t look at Scobatron IV because everyone always stared straight ahead in this dumb show.

Scobatron IV was annoyed. “And we’re just supposed to let them in. Why do we even guard this stupid gate?” He was half robot, but all attitude.

Except he knew it wasn’t a stupid gate. It was a strong gate. And inside was the most important thing ever.

“I’m scared.” Chardion had never seen a dead girl before.

“Don’t be a pussy cat. You’re a full-grown lion.”

“Half lion.”

“Whatever. Just remember, she’ll be more surprised by us than we are of her.”

Chardion took a deep breath. It didn’t make much sense, but he felt a little better. And slowly, they opened that important gate.

***

The Giraffetasaur brooded handsomely over Brittany’s dead body. That last cure had killed her, like he’d planned. But if she was going to come back, the Giraffetasaur had to find the most important thing on that mysterious island. He’d figured there would be a few episodes of suspenseful buildup before she was a lead character again.

The most beautiful nurse sat on the other side of the room, warming milk. It was almost time to feed the baby. “I hope you’re not expecting a warm welcome,” she said.

The Giraffetasaur glared. “Blondie, other than that milk,” he kept his eyes on Brittany, “I ain’t expecting anything warm.”

                                                   

She sighed. "You never could write dialogue..."

Just then that big-headed baby came toddling down the stairs. It was such a miracle that the baby was walking, but no one looked too surprised: strange things always happened on the island.

“We're secured to the dock." The baby was talking. "They’re opening the gate. Maybe a dozen men on the other side, but no sign of who we’re looking for.” It wasn’t the best grammar, but the baby was so young.

The nurse was worried. If they didn’t find it soon, Brittany might stay dead. Forever. “Are they armed?”

“Looks like it.”

The Giraffetasaur raised his focus from Brittany for the first time. “Well ain’t that a shame…”

“What’s a shame?” Brittany was confused. She shouldn’t have had any dialogue this episode. Mostly because she was dead. But the writers weren’t known for their attention to detail.

The Giraffetasaur stood up. “Shame, ‘cause if I’d known they were having me a welcome-home party, I’da put on a nicer shirt.” He was being so arrogant and sarcastic. It was hot.

The nurse started to walk away, then turned back with a question: “Home?”

The Giraffetasaur stared a long time at Brittany before answering, “I was born here.”

“You mean…” the baby was so shocked.

“You got it, kid. Welcome to the Suprisland”

3x10: Bye Bye Brittany, pt. 2

That’s when the baby started crying. It had been so long since the last episode and—even if anyone remembered what was going on—it didn’t explain anything! Why was Joe being so mean? Why was the nurse going around curing everyone? Who was that mean girl, yelling about that spinoff? Had Surprise Joe really been canceled? Was the Mayor really just the mean man in disguise? The baby didn’t know. And no one else really cared—they were just glad the season was finally ending.

Except Brittany. She was starting to feel weak, mostly because she had been treated as a plot device for a whole season. It was so sad, and she didn’t think anybody could ever understand the way she felt—like she wasn’t even human. But that’s when she got the biggest clue…

The Giraffetasaur could smell it: one last surprise for everyone. So he ran to Brittany’s side.

“Brittany…” He looked at her with the most handsome, unemotional eyes. “I understand how it feels to be treated like you’re not human.”

“I know,” Brittany quieted him. “But we could never…”

“No.” The Giraffetasaur looked so serious.

“I have to tell you," she said. "My first biggest fear wasn’t being alone.”

Everyone was staring.

“My first biggest fear was being with you.” No one was surprised—the Giraffetasaur was half-giraffe after all.

But the Giraffetasaur wasn’t surprised either. He just laughed. It wasn't even villainous. “Your second biggest fear was that no one would ever understand you,” he looked so charming and inhuman. “That’s why you turned back into an adult.” It made sense. No one could understand babies.

“No.” Brittany looked so emotional without being overly dramatic. Everyone was sure she would win an award. “My second biggest fear… was being without you.”

The music swelled and there were violins and fireworks and a Chinese tourist taking photographs. Everyone thought it was so romantic.

But that’s when Joe realized something. And he was so surprised. “Wait! If the baby’s writing that other show, then who’s writing—”

Everyone looked at the Giraffetasaur. He was holding a pen, but he wasn’t wearing a dog stache. And they were so surprised. “How did you get out of those chains, Giraffetasaur?”

The Giraffetasaur spoke calmly, “Brittany’s third biggest fear is humanity itself.” It sounded a little too deep for such a dumb show, but the Giraffetasaur looked like he knew what he was talking about. “Soon she will be like me.”

"Ah, Brittany! Ah, humanity!" The Mayor was making a Melville reference, but no one got it.

Brad was so mad. He had gotten out from behind those stupid Giraffetasaur bars to save Brittany—but soon she would be… Brad growled. Despite all his rage, he knew he would always be just a Brad in a cage. It was a Smashing Pumpkins reference, and everyone got it.

The nurse was immediately filled with motherly concern. She was warming up some baby formula. If Brittany wasn't going to make it, she thought, who would feed the baby?

And that big headed baby was really wailing. Brittany would be like the Giraffetasaur? What did that even mean? No one had any idea what was going on.

Except Joe. He felt the surprise pulsing through his veins. He ran over to Brittany, and pushed the Giraffetasaur out of the way. “She’ll die before she’ll ever be like you!”

“Precisely.” Everyone would’ve been so concerned by how nonchalantly the Giraffetasaur spoke about Brittany’s death, but he looked so handsome.

“You monster!” Joe was scowling. “You’ve stained this girl with your black blood.” Everyone thought Joe was being a little racist, but Joe meant “black blood” as a metaphor for the ink in the Giraffetasaur’s writing pen.

And then Brittany spoke. Of course, she had the last dialogue of the season, so everyone listened carefully. “You’re wrong…”

No one knew who to believe. Joe was such a hero, but he’d gotten so mean. And even if the Giraffetasaur was writing the show, could he actually understand human emotions? Could he understand Brittany? How was he even writing a show that got canceled almost two season ago? And whatever happened to that guy from Friends? 

It was all so confusing and stupid, and no one was surprised by anything anymore and they all just wished that the show wouldn’t come back for a fourth season. But anyway, it didn't look like Brittany would survive much longer, and everyone knew the show couldn't survive without it's female lead.

And then Brittany coughed a little. Everyone stared. “My third biggest fear,” she whispered, “is that I wouldn’t make it to season four…”

That night, Brittany grew cold. She died in her sleep.

3x09: Bye Bye Brittany, pt. 1

“Oh hello,” the baby switched off the black-light, and turned on a normal desk lamp. “I didn’t see you come in. I’ve been so busy writing.” Everyone thought that the baby was so cute trying to talk.

Except Joe. He was not surprised. “That big headed baby has been writing the show? This is why nothing makes sense!” Everyone looked at Joe. He was so worked up and kicking at the air and screaming. “Everyone knows that babies are so unreasonable and can’t craft logical story lines or understand human emotions.”

“That's right, Joe.” The Mayor cackled. “And that’s why my M.E.A.N. Plan ensures that every baby is educated. No one should have to put up with such ridiculous plot lines.” Everyone agreed, and the Mayor continued, “you see, the cure—cures fear itself! And of course, babies are most afraid of exacting logic and rigorous academic programs.”

Brad was so mad and holding up the meanest protest signs.

And Brad wasn’t the only one who was so annoyed. All this time, everybody had been looking forward to a thoughtful, logical resolution of season three. That stupid twist looked more like an excuse for the writers to be lazy. It was like Lost. And everyone was so mad.

Except the Giraffetasaur. “I understand,” he said. He couldn’t understand human emotions, so he must have meant the plot. “That’s why the cure turned Brittany into that baby—and that baby back into a Brittany.”

“Yes,” the Mayor smirked. “you see the cure—cures fear itself!” No one was sure why the Mayor was repeating himself. Probably sloppy editing. But anyway, he was cackling so hard and there were lightening bolts and a silhouette of a scary swan behind him.

Meanwhile, the baby was getting so annoyed. Writing a show was such hard work, and everyone was being so disruptive. The baby was even more upset about how dumb the story was. The idea that scientists had found a cure for fear itself was pretty tenuous, and there didn’t seem to be any logic as to how it actually worked.

“It’s true! The cure works!” Brad was done protesting. “My biggest fear is getting trapped in a Giraffetasaur cage, and that cure got me right out. The Giraffetasaur’s biggest fear is not getting enough rest. That’s why he passed out immediately when the nurse cured him!” But everyone knew Brad was a big investor in cure. He was probably just trying to condition the market.

“Brittany’s number one fear,” the Giraffetasaur continued, undisturbed by the other dialogue, “is being alone.” He looked so stoic, bleeding a little and grimacing heroically. “Since you can’t leave babies alone, the cure turned her into one.”

Joe was so annoyed and he had such a headache. “Then why did that second cure turn her back into a Brittany?” He didn’t have any idea what was going on. Some day off, he thought. He was starting to wonder if maybe the M.E.A.N. Plan wasn't all the mean. It didn't seem so bad, after all, to try to help people overcome their fears. But if babies didn't overcome their fears on their own, maybe they would never grow up at all. And, anyway, if the Mayor wasn't a villain, then who would be?

Just then, a mean girl strutted in. She was scowling and making faces, but she was wearing a dog stache. And everyone was so surprised.

“I’m the director of the most surprising ever serial spin-off, Surprise Joey. Brittany is ours. She’s acting in our show now. And that baby is ours, writing our show. You don't even have a villain anymore, and there will never be a fourth season of Joe! You’ve been canceled.”

Everyone was so confused. Why was there a new character all of a sudden? (No one knew.) What was the deal with Surprise Joey? (No one cared.) But while everyone was distracted thinking about how badly written the show was and wishing the season would just end already, the most beautiful nurse came out of nowhere with another syringe, and pricked another needle-full of cure into Brittany’s neck.

The Giraffetasaur was so concerned. Three shots of cure... that was enough to kill a Giraffetasaur. But everyone knew Brittany was not a Giraffetasaur, so they weren't worried. Brittany was starting to feel a little weak, but the nurse was always doing things like this.

The mean girl was so mad that the nurse had foiled her plan. She talked like such a deviant: "That third shot will cure Brittany's third biggest fear..." she cackled, “but you can’t stop us forever!” It was pretty random, but everyone had gotten so used to the absurd plot twists that they barely noticed.

Except everyone did notice that the episode was getting a little long. So out of nowhere, part one of the two-part season three finale of the most surprising ever serial mystery ended.

And everyone was so surprised.