4x04: All the Best Surprises Have Daddy Issues

 The Giraffetasaur sat at the bar, looking upset. Season four hadn’t gone the way he had hoped. “I never shoulda listened to him,” he said to the bartender.

“Yeah, and I never shoulda poured you that last drink.”

The Giraffetasaur finished his glass and slammed it down. “Gimme another.”

“You’ve had enough milk for one night.”

The Giraffetsaur growled. He was wearing a milkstache, to no one’s surprise.

“You’ve had enough,” the bartender repeated. But something else had caught the Giraffetasaur’s attention. The news was on. 

He stood up from the bar. “I have to go back…” he said.

“Exactly what I—” the bartender started, but the Giraffetasaur walked off, toward the TV. “Hey! How about paying your tab?”

Then someone else spoke, confidently and bravely. “I’ll handle that.” They turned.

It was Chardion. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.

***

The baby couldn't sleep, still locked in that cage, and wondering why the nonlinear narrative was so fashionable in postmodern literature. The baby preferred chronological plots that respected substance over form—especially late American romanticism.

Suddenly, a chirp came from outside the cage door. “Are you awake, baby?”

  The baby stayed quiet for a second, but realized the plot might never progress if there wasn’t a little dialogue soon.

“What do you want?” the baby asked.

“Please,” the bird looked around, “stay quiet. I can’t let her know I’m here. My name is Margret.”

“Half egret? Why would I trust you?”

“There’s no time. You must find the white male.”

The baby was confused. “Which white male?”

“Tell him ‘It was day.’ ”

“What? I don’t even…” Just then the baby heard a metallic clink by the door. “Hello?”

The baby waddled over. Margret was gone, but the door was unlocked. The baby creaked it open, until he heard a voice behind him.

“What’s going on?” It was the nurse, looking surprised, but beautiful as ever.

“We have to find the white male.”

“What? How do you know?”

“Let’s just say”—the baby grinned—“a little birdie told me.”

***

The Giraffetasaur woke up in a dark room. He felt a sting in his neck.

“Hey!” he shouted into the darkness, “what going on here?”

A familiar voice responded over a loudspeaker: “You’re in the dark room.”

The Giraffetasaur was not surprised.

The voice continued: “You will bring back Brittany, but she won’t take your blood.”

“Now, why would I go and do that?” The Giraffetasaur growled.

“Because we’ve injected you with Giraffetacide. If you don’t bring back Brittany in the next episode, the poison will eat your giraffe half, and she’ll stay dead. Forever.”

The Giraffetasaur cringed, but he knew he the voice was right. “On one condition.”

“That is?”

“Take me to her yourself, dad.”

Just then, a door swung open. “I guess there’s no surprising you… son.”

King Mean Man stood in the doorway, snarling and cackling villainously. But he was wearing a dogstache. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.