4x06: They're Back

“I don’t understand,” said the nurse. “What do you want from this white male?”

The baby gazed ahead. “It’s not what I want… It’s what the Surprisland wants.”

It had nothing to do with the story, but the writers were always adding meaningless twists. “What about Brittany?”

The baby looked up. “It’s too late.”

Just then the sound of a jet engine roared out of nowhere. The nurse was so surprised. “You mean—”

“That’s right.” The baby stared off. “They’re back.”

***

Scobatron IV burst into the room where Brittany was alive. But the Giraffetasaur was beating the life out of the Mean Half-Man.

“You did this to her! You knew—”

The Mean Half-Man was cackling hysterically. “hHAAAAHHAAAHAHAAaaaaaa!!!”

“I tried to protect her—to make her human again. But…”

The Mean Half-Man was being so weird, and spitting blood like such a villain. “HAAHAHAhaahaahahaaaah!!!!”

Until Marecrow shouted, “stop!”

The Giraffetasaur froze. She was pointing a bow-and-arrow at him.

“This arrow has been dipped in Formula X.” Everyone remembered Season One. Formula X had almost stopped Joe from attending his own surprise party. It was so dangerous. “Brittany is no longer ‘yours,’ you animal.”

The Giraffetasaur growled. He lowered his gaze. “Half animal.” He leaped toward Marecrow, but when she let her arrow go, he was moving so quickly and the arrow missed. It was going straight at Scobatron IV…

***

Chardion was upstairs when he saw the arrow heading straight at Scobatron IV. He was so scared, but he had to act fast to save his friend. So he pulled out his cell phone and pressed the number 4. It was speed dial.

The phone rang a couple of times when Scobatron IV picked it up. “Hello?”

“Scoba! There’s an arrow coming toward you.”

“So what? I’m not some scaredy-cat like you.”

“Scoba, you have to move!”

“I only take orders from one person.”

But Chardion knew who that person was, so he hung up. He didn’t have that number on speed dial, but his friend’s life was at stake. So he made one more call.

***

Downstairs, Brittany’s phone rang.

“Hello?”

Everyone looked at Brittany. There wasn’t much time left. That arrow was moving so fast.

“What? This is so dumb,” she said. But she hung up the phone and spoke. “Scobatron IV: As your maker, I command you to move!”

Instantly, Scobatron IV moved. The arrow flew by his neck. It was such a close call.

Everyone looked at Brittany. It was pretty surprising.

But the arrow wasn’t done. That door right behind Scobatron IV swung open, and everyone gasped as the arrow hit someone else in the neck.

The Mean Half-Man stopped cackling. He grabbed the Giraffetasaur. “This… can’t happen! No. It doesn’t make sense.”

The Giraffetasaur snarled. “Nothing in this damn show makes sense.”

“But…” the Mean Half-Man stepped toward the door. “Don’t you know what my other half is?!” Everyone looked around. Apparently no one cared.

And then the man with the arrow in his neck spoke. “You’re… half-god.”

The Mean Demigod was awestruck. “How did you… Where did you come from?”

“I’m from… the future.” It was the Mean Middle-Manager. And everyone was so surprised.

4x05: Flashes Before Your Surprise

The network had warned against a mid-season hiatus. Everyone would forget what was going on and lose interest! they shouted. But few people paid attention to Surprise Joe anyway. And no one ever knew what was going on...

Except the Giraffetasaur:



Brittany had been dead since season three, and only the Giraffetasaur could bring her back. Since Emperor Mean Man had injected him with Giraffetacide, there would be severe (however vaguely explained) consequences if he brought her back. But, if she wasn't revived this episode, everyone would tire of the storyline and the show could end. Forever.



“Go ahead,” the Emperor snarled wickedly. No one was sure what the Emperor’s motivation was. Not even the writers.

The Giraffetasaur growled. “Brittany is mine.”



“Not for long. If she is infected with the Giraffetacide, you'll never see her again.”

“I must protect her.” For all his antihero rhetoric and growling, the Giraffetasaur was fiercely loyal. He stepped toward Brittany’s dead body. “Her feelings for me,” he spoke sternly, protracting his Giraffetafangs, “are not my concern…”



***



Upstairs, Chardion watched as the Giraffetasaur brought Brittany back to life. It was all pretty fantastic and vivid, and there was an orchestra playing some very sentimental music, and reaction shots, but then suddenly Chardion felt a sharp pain. It was like a headache, but more dramatic.

And then Chardion collapsed.

Scobatron IV remained calm. “Hey buddy?” He was poking Chardion. “Whatcha doin' there?”



Marecrow was annoyed. “Seriously—right now? We’ve got work to do!” She looked down. Brittany was alive. “Wake him up, robot.” She stormed off. “Now!”

***



***

After a short commercial break, Chardion opened his eyes. Scobatron IV was hovering over him.

“Hey! You’re alive,” the robot was so glad.

But Chardion looked scared. “I saw something Scoba.”



“Yeah, well we better get down there. Brittany’s back, and Marecrow—”

“No.” Chardion grabbed Scobatron. “Don’t listen to her. You have to get out of here!”

“Does not compute.” Scobatron IV always followed orders.



“You don’t understand. Just now… I saw something. Have you seen those flashforwards? You know. Where Brittany is concerned that somebody took her baby, and Joe is always crying about how bad he wants to go back?”

Scobatron hadn’t.

“Exactly.” Chardion looked around. His accent was starting to sound Scottish or something. “I think what I saw—”



“It was the future.”

“Okay.”

Chardion stared at his friend. “You’re gonna die, Scoba.”

“Does not compute,” he responded coldly, and rushed off to help Marecrow.



Immediately, Chardion realized Scobatron IV’s surprise altimeter must have been deactivated. It smelled like foul play—or maybe eagle feathers. And Chardion was so surprised.

***

Meanwhile, in the future, Dr. Mean Man was with Joe on the plane. They were going back.



“So if season four already happened,” Joe looked concerned. “I mean, can we really save that baby?”

The Professor was not cackling. He spoke gravely: “It’s not the past we need to change…” He looked at Joe. “You see, there’s something I need to tell you,” there was a quiet fear behind his villainous eyes, “about the second half of Season 4…”



Then the screen went black. It was probably supposed to be surprising. But everyone was so confused.

4x04: All the Best Surprises Have Daddy Issues

 The Giraffetasaur sat at the bar, looking upset. Season four hadn’t gone the way he had hoped. “I never shoulda listened to him,” he said to the bartender.

“Yeah, and I never shoulda poured you that last drink.”

The Giraffetasaur finished his glass and slammed it down. “Gimme another.”

“You’ve had enough milk for one night.”

The Giraffetsaur growled. He was wearing a milkstache, to no one’s surprise.

“You’ve had enough,” the bartender repeated. But something else had caught the Giraffetasaur’s attention. The news was on. 

He stood up from the bar. “I have to go back…” he said.

“Exactly what I—” the bartender started, but the Giraffetasaur walked off, toward the TV. “Hey! How about paying your tab?”

Then someone else spoke, confidently and bravely. “I’ll handle that.” They turned.

It was Chardion. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.

***

The baby couldn't sleep, still locked in that cage, and wondering why the nonlinear narrative was so fashionable in postmodern literature. The baby preferred chronological plots that respected substance over form—especially late American romanticism.

Suddenly, a chirp came from outside the cage door. “Are you awake, baby?”

  The baby stayed quiet for a second, but realized the plot might never progress if there wasn’t a little dialogue soon.

“What do you want?” the baby asked.

“Please,” the bird looked around, “stay quiet. I can’t let her know I’m here. My name is Margret.”

“Half egret? Why would I trust you?”

“There’s no time. You must find the white male.”

The baby was confused. “Which white male?”

“Tell him ‘It was day.’ ”

“What? I don’t even…” Just then the baby heard a metallic clink by the door. “Hello?”

The baby waddled over. Margret was gone, but the door was unlocked. The baby creaked it open, until he heard a voice behind him.

“What’s going on?” It was the nurse, looking surprised, but beautiful as ever.

“We have to find the white male.”

“What? How do you know?”

“Let’s just say”—the baby grinned—“a little birdie told me.”

***

The Giraffetasaur woke up in a dark room. He felt a sting in his neck.

“Hey!” he shouted into the darkness, “what going on here?”

A familiar voice responded over a loudspeaker: “You’re in the dark room.”

The Giraffetasaur was not surprised.

The voice continued: “You will bring back Brittany, but she won’t take your blood.”

“Now, why would I go and do that?” The Giraffetasaur growled.

“Because we’ve injected you with Giraffetacide. If you don’t bring back Brittany in the next episode, the poison will eat your giraffe half, and she’ll stay dead. Forever.”

The Giraffetasaur cringed, but he knew he the voice was right. “On one condition.”

“That is?”

“Take me to her yourself, dad.”

Just then, a door swung open. “I guess there’s no surprising you… son.”

King Mean Man stood in the doorway, snarling and cackling villainously. But he was wearing a dogstache. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.

4x03: They Took My Baby

Brittany was reminiscing about season four. It hadn’t been very good. And of course, when she finally came back to life in the fifth episode, no one was surprised.

She told her friends she was glad to be alive. But her newfound cigarette habit told careful viewers a different story.

“They took my baby,” she said to someone off-screen.

“I know, Brittany. You'll just have to trust my plan.” The voice was cold and mean.

“Has Joe figured it out?” Brittany was concerned.

“Not quite.”

Brittany sighed. “But you've convinced him to go back?” The shot widened, revealing that mean girl.

“That's right.” She cackled. “And when does, everyone will be so surprised.”

***

“We found the body!”

Marecrow had sent Chardion and Scobatron IV to retrieve Brittany’s corpse. They had heard rumors about Brittany. Apparently, she was not a very dynamic or interesting character, but that dumb show revolved around her love for some inhuman creature anyway.

Marecrow rushed down, into the hull, smiling and villainously eyeing the dead girl.

“If we bring her back,” Chardion was so unsure of himself, “will she be half-lion? Like me?”

“I guess we’ll ‘half’ to wait and see.” Scobatron IV had recently been programmed to make puns. It was not very good, but it certainly was not the only poorly written program around.

Marecrow sneered. “Prepare her room!” she commanded.

Chardion and Scobatron IV nodded their heads submissively, grabbed Brittany and carried her away.

***

“Who’s that guy on the other side of the cage?” The baby was curious, but no one else seemed to care.

“Do you think Brittany’s okay?” The nurse looked over at the Giraffetasaur.

The Giraffetasaur was brooding, as usual. “They want her,” he said gruffly, “just as bad as we do.”

“And they can bring her back?”

The Giraffetasaur didn’t have time to respond, because just then, a few guards swung open the cage, pointing their guns at him.

“You’re coming with us, you dirty animal.” It wasn’t a fair characterization. The Giraffetasaur was only dirty because the guards had stuck him in that cage outside.

“You gonna shoot me? Far as I know, I’m the only one who knows how to bring her back.”

“Nope,” the guard laughed. “Gonna shoot the baby.” He grabbed the baby out of the cage. “On your knees!”

The guard looked at the Giraffetasaur, then back down. “Come with us, or we’re gonna shoot this stupid baby’s fat head.”

The Giraffetasaur grimaced. “Go ahead. Shoot the damn baby.”

“No!” The nurse screamed, and knocked the Giraffetasaur’s head against the bars. Sometimes it was a little too easy to knock people out in these shows. But it was still pretty surprising.

“Go ahead, take him away.” The nurse was scared. “Just don’t hurt that baby.”

“And how are we supposed to make this animal cooperate when he wakes up?”

The nurse reached into her pocket. “Give him this,” she spoke softly, and removed a syringe.

“I’m going to kill that baby if this doesn’t work,” the guard grumbled. “But what is it?”

“Isn't that obvious?” The nurse just smiled. “It's a surprise.”

4x02: We Have to Go Back

The crew disembarked, walked past some stupid-looking guards, and through the open gate. There was a crowd waiting. 

A woman stepped in front of the crowd. She acted like she was in charge, smacking her lips villainously. Birds were flying away, terrified of her assertive, type A tendencies. It was the Marecrow.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” she sneered.

“Ain’t here to see you," the Giraffetasaur said handsomely. “Take us to the king.”

“How thoughtless of me. I should’ve known you’d want to see your daddy.” She laughed.

The Giraffetasaur looked so serious: “Now.”

Her smile turned. “Lot’s changed since you’ve been gone,” she hissed. He growled and stepped toward the Marecrow. Her guards lifted their guns instantly.

He stopped. Then grinned. He took another step toward her. One guard fired a shot. Immediately, that big headed baby pulled a gun, shot once, and killed that guard.

The other guards were so surprised. They didn’t realize the baby killed Joe’s clone in season one. And they definitely didn’t want to shoot a baby. It probably just needed a new diaper, they thought. But the baby was so smart and—noting their hesitancy—shot a few more guards, reloaded and killed the rest.

The baby spoke firmly, gun pointed at the Marecrow: “Why don’t you take us to the king.”

She just laughed. Suddenly, a Giraffetasaur cage fell from the sky. The Giraffetasaur and his crew were trapped.

The nurse screamed, “no!”

                                                  

“This old thing?” the Marecrow smiled. “Don’t look so surprised.”

***

Elsewhere, Joe and Brad were posing for a picture.

“We have to go back,” said Joe. He was so heroic, and the star of the most surprising ever serial mystery, but Joe was getting kind of lame.

“Seriously?" Brad asked. "What’s the point? Brittany’s gone. The show’s awful. Let it go.” Brad was being pretty sensible. The show wasn’t very good.

“I can fix this." Joe looked desperate. "I can save her. I can—”

Just then, Colonel Mean Man barged in, short of breath. “Excuse me.”

“What do you want, villain?” Joe said, not caring much. The Colonel was the worst.

But the Colonel was not discouraged: “The mean girl is gone!”

Brad stared blankly. “Who cares?”

Joe did. It was giving him a plan. And he was so surprised.

The Colonel looked so serious. “She’s on her way to the Surpisland!”

“So you’re saying,” Joe tried to look serious, “we have to go back.”

Brad sighed. “This is so stupid.”

“You’re not getting it,” Colonel Mean Man replied. “She’s looking for the baby!”

Joe grimaced. “And that would mean the end of…”

“Just stop.” Brad was annoyed—but then, intense, dissonant orchestral music started playing. “Every season the show comes back. And every season it gets dumber. And are they just recycling these pictures from season one? At this point, I’m okay with the end of the show.”

 “No!” The Colonel was pretty mad now. But at least it was a new picture. “Don’t you see? Surprise Joe was cancelled almost two seasons ago!” The music was getting louder.

Joe continued: “If she finds the baby, it won’t just be the end of the show.” Suddenly Joe grew a beard, and the background music was making some pretty boring dialogue seem important.

“If we don't go back, it won't just be the end.” Suddenly, the music stopped. “It will be a vague, unsatisfying ending.”

4x01: Live Together, Surprise Alone

It wasn't really gone that long.

But they felt like they'd been waiting forever.

So when it finally came back, they were so surprised.

“I sure didn’t expect this,” said Chardion. He was pretty anxious, but he couldn't watch that surprising ship return to its harbor. He had to stare straight ahead. Partly because he had such an important job: he was guarding the most important gate on the whole island! But mostly, Chardion didn’t look at Scobatron IV because everyone always stared straight ahead in this dumb show.

Scobatron IV was annoyed. “And we’re just supposed to let them in. Why do we even guard this stupid gate?” He was half robot, but all attitude.

Except he knew it wasn’t a stupid gate. It was a strong gate. And inside was the most important thing ever.

“I’m scared.” Chardion had never seen a dead girl before.

“Don’t be a pussy cat. You’re a full-grown lion.”

“Half lion.”

“Whatever. Just remember, she’ll be more surprised by us than we are of her.”

Chardion took a deep breath. It didn’t make much sense, but he felt a little better. And slowly, they opened that important gate.

***

The Giraffetasaur brooded handsomely over Brittany’s dead body. That last cure had killed her, like he’d planned. But if she was going to come back, the Giraffetasaur had to find the most important thing on that mysterious island. He’d figured there would be a few episodes of suspenseful buildup before she was a lead character again.

The most beautiful nurse sat on the other side of the room, warming milk. It was almost time to feed the baby. “I hope you’re not expecting a warm welcome,” she said.

The Giraffetasaur glared. “Blondie, other than that milk,” he kept his eyes on Brittany, “I ain’t expecting anything warm.”

                                                   

She sighed. "You never could write dialogue..."

Just then that big-headed baby came toddling down the stairs. It was such a miracle that the baby was walking, but no one looked too surprised: strange things always happened on the island.

“We're secured to the dock." The baby was talking. "They’re opening the gate. Maybe a dozen men on the other side, but no sign of who we’re looking for.” It wasn’t the best grammar, but the baby was so young.

The nurse was worried. If they didn’t find it soon, Brittany might stay dead. Forever. “Are they armed?”

“Looks like it.”

The Giraffetasaur raised his focus from Brittany for the first time. “Well ain’t that a shame…”

“What’s a shame?” Brittany was confused. She shouldn’t have had any dialogue this episode. Mostly because she was dead. But the writers weren’t known for their attention to detail.

The Giraffetasaur stood up. “Shame, ‘cause if I’d known they were having me a welcome-home party, I’da put on a nicer shirt.” He was being so arrogant and sarcastic. It was hot.

The nurse started to walk away, then turned back with a question: “Home?”

The Giraffetasaur stared a long time at Brittany before answering, “I was born here.”

“You mean…” the baby was so shocked.

“You got it, kid. Welcome to the Suprisland”