Use the episode guide above to make sure you're all caught up on the most surprising ever serial mystery, before you read the newest episode below.
Every Tuesday at 1:00pm, its the most surprising ever serial-mystery, Surprise Joe. Check out the newest episode directly below, or browse through the archives above to catch up.
I don't know Joe Rogan, but I do know somebody who had his picture taken with Joe Rogan once. If you want to learn real things about Joe Rogan, you should Google his name, and probably check out Wikipedia or his official website. Also, I don't know anything about dog staches except that they are cool. If you want your own dog stache, go to Muttropolis.com
No one really wanted the show to come back. No one cared when Joe and his friends got stuck in a time warp. Or that the most beautiful nurse was actually an all-grown-up baby trying to foil the mean man’s mean plan to stop Brittany from ever getting pregnant in the first place. They didn’t even care that the Giraffetasaur banished the writers from the writer’s room, and now was writing the show himself.
They didn’t care. But they were all very surprised.
Joe felt good when he woke up that morning. He had the day off work, and was fixing a healthy meal. He sipped his orange juice. There was some pulp in it. He was not very surprised. He always drank orange juice with some pulp. He spooned cereal into his mouth. Nothing surprising there. He was a little relieved, and hoped that maybe he would have a relaxing, surprise-free day all to himself.
Joe picked up the morning newspaper. The headline was not very surprising. “Mayor Mean Man Approves M.E.A.N. Plan.” Everyone knew about the M.E.A.N. Plan.
On page three there was a big color photo of the Giraffetasaur. “Handsome Billionaire Donates; Finds Cure.” Joe was not surprised. The Giraffetasaur was writing the show, after all.
He turned to the back page. “Most Beautiful Nurse Found Missing in Home.” Joe was not sure exactly what that meant. But the nurse was such an ancillary character, that no one really cared.
Joe put down the newspaper, and turned on the television. Brad’s public access show was just starting. Joe was not surprised. Good Morning, Brad always started at 8:30, just as Joe would leave for work.
“Today I’d like to talk to you about Mayor Mean Man’s M.E.A.N. Plan.” Brad looked so angry when he held up his copy of the newspaper. “This mayor has exposed himself over and over again as a guy who has a deep-seated hatred of babies and the baby culture!” Brad looked so mad. “I’m not saying he doesn’t like babies. I’m just saying these are questions we should be asking.” And then the phone rang.
Joe looked across the room. Why would anyone call him at home right now? No one knew he had the day off work. Joe stood up. He walked over to the phone, paused, and lifted the receiver. “Hello?”
“Joe?” It was Brittany. She sounded so surprised. “Joe, something’s wrong. I…” She stopped talking, and Joe heard a crash on the other end.
“Brittany?” She didn’t respond. “Brittany, I’ll be right over.” But he was talking to the dial tone. When he jumped in his car he was not surprised that there seemed to be a few surprises on the way.
The baby watched the most beautiful nurse dress the Giraffetasaur’s wound. No one really could remember why the baby had shot the Giraffetasaur. In fact, neither could the baby. Probably because the writers had never given the baby a good reason. But then, babies rarely have good reasons for anything.
Except, that nonsense just made the baby feel cranky again. The story was getting too complex—the baby thought—and for what? Joe, Brittany, Brad, and the mean man had disappeared in a scientifically improbable burst of light and sound—and the writers never even explained where they went! The baby didn’t care about Surprise Joe anymore. In fact, the baby imagined—no one did.
And that’s when the most beautiful nurse realized the baby was pointing a gun at her.
“I am ending this nonsense right here." The baby was growling like the craziest baby. "Who are you?” The baby asked, looking irrational or like he needed a nap or some milk.
The most beautiful nurse was not surprised. She answered coolly: “They sent me to save the story.” The baby was confused. But the Giraffetasaur grinned. “Joe, the others,” she continued, “everyone is in trouble—“
“That’s right,” the Giraffetasaur cackled. “They’re gone forever, because I sent them into a Time Warp… And since Joe can’t get a plan, he’ll never be able to save them!” The Giraffetasaur laughed like a villain as he continued to summarize his evil plan: “From now on, I’ll be the one having surprises and getting plans!”
The most beautiful nurse shook her head with disapproval. “Joe couldn’t get a plan,” she explained, “so the mean man did.”
The Giraffetasaur’s jaw dropped. He would never... “Joe would never agree to a mean plan!”
The most beautiful nurse shook her head again. “He already has.” She turned toward the door. “Follow me to the Big Screen.”
So they followed her down a long hallway while she talked. “If Joe goes through with the mean man’s mean plan, all of this,“—she pointed to many important things—“will be gone forever.”
The most beautiful nurse stopped in front of an important looking door. “I can show you where Joe, Brittany, and the mean man are. Through this door...”
“What about Brad?” The baby was concerned. Brad had saved the baby’s life many times. More times than the baby even knew.
“We haven’t found Brad yet.” The most beautiful nurse looked concerned, but quickly changed the subject. “We have to stop the mean man from changing the past—and destroying the future.”
The baby was not surprised. What a dumb story. The baby was so annoyed at the vaguely-explained sci-fi turn. It was all just some stupid device to keep the story going—a way for some arrogant writers to feel important. And what did some nurse know about time travel, anyway?
The baby hadn’t looked this mad since the season one finale. And even though most babies can't shout, this baby was acting so grownup already holding a gun and looking for meaning in literature, and so this unreasonable baby started shouting at that most beautiful nurse. “Who do you work for?”
The most beautiful nurse smiled politely. What a lady. She opened the door, and motioned for the baby and the Giraffetasaur to follow. She seemed very calm but, most of all, beautiful when she answered. “I work for the writers, of course.”
Pretty much everyone was shocked. Inside, there was an enormous television monitor hanging on the wall. An image flickered on the screen. It was Joe, Brittany and the mean man. They were back in time. The Giraffetasaur recognized it right away.
It was the same boat where—nine months earlier—Brittany and Joe’s clone made the baby. The Giraffetasaur looked at the baby, and back to the screen. Oh no, the mean man is going to...The Giraffetasaur sighed when he realized what an awful mess he had created. It was so obvious from looking at his face, he hadn't expected this.
But the most beautiful nurse just looked at the Giraffeataur and smiled: "Don't look so surprised."
Joe sat and waited for Brittany and the mean man to wake up. Joe knew they weren’t sleeping because they were tired. He should have known all along this was the surprising aftereffect of Formula X. He looked at his dog stache.
The mean man tricked me again, Joe thought. And he was snoring like such a villain.
Joe sat down and tried to get a plan, but he still couldn’t. Mostly because of the Formula X. I guess Formula X has two aftereffects, Joe thought. Or maybe the writers were just being careless again. So, Joe kept waiting for Brittany and the mean man to wake up, and he hoped that the narrative would progress in the meantime…
In the meantime, the Giraffetasaur wasn’t dying. He was pretty tough, and his blood clotted faster than most people’s. Still, he needed a bandage and some antiseptic. Mostly to prevent infection.
“I need a bandage and some antiseptic,” the Giraffetasaur told the baby. “Mostly to prevent infection.” The baby was surprised. Most babies don’t know much about preventing disease. “Give me your cell phone so I can call a nurse,” the Giraffetasaur demanded.
It shouldn’t surprise anybody that the baby didn’t have a cell phone, mostly because the baby was careless with valuable electronics. The baby was getting pretty overwhelmed by the chaotic storytelling and the lack of narrative direction. In fact, most people were.
So the baby started crying. This is absurd, the baby thought. The Giraffetasaur must have done something to my dog stache when he pricked it with that syringe. And now I’m stuck here with him.
Wow. That baby must have been pretty clever, because that’s exactly why the baby and the Giraffetasaur hadn’t been swept away by all those flashing lights and loud noises. That’s when everyone realized pretty quickly that this wasn’t a throwaway episode.
Right then a nurse came to the door. It was the prettiest nurse that most people had ever seen. And the nurse was wearing a dog stache!
“Did somebody call a nurse?”
The Giraffetasaur and the baby had not called a nurse. Somebody must have been watching them. And they were very surprised…
In the meantime, the mean man had woken up. “I have a plan, Joe. But I’ll only tell you if you promise me right now that you’re in.” Brittany said she did not want to do anything mean. She told the mean man all about a nice plan she had, but the mean man didn’t even listen. He was probably such a sexist, but also he was hard of hearing in his right ear, so he never heard her anyway.
Joe thought hard. He had never done anything mean before. Joe liked to fight injustices and eat healthy snacks. But Joe couldn’t get a plan of his own. They were a long way from home, Joe thought. And they needed a plan to get back. Joe didn’t have a choice.
So Joe listened to the mean man’s mean plan. And at every turn, the mean man’s plan got more evil and more villainous, and the mean man kept getting meaner and meaner, and before long he was cackling like a loon! And when it was all told, Joe looked at the mean man with a glaze of astonishment painted on his face.
But the mean man smirked villainously and growled: “Don’t look so surprised.”
The Giraffetasaur was upset, because the baby was still holding a gun to his head. The baby was upset, because the Giraffetasaur had pricked the baby’s dog stache with a suspicious syringe. And for no good reason, the baby thought.
“The whole story was garbage. Formula X doesn't have any surprising aftereffects!” The baby was still crying and suggesting that whoever wrote the story was making it up as he went along. “And the mean man never said anything mean to Joe! He doesn’t even seem that mean!”
The mean man stood in the darkest corner of the room. He smiled, admiring his dirty, villainous fingernails. Brittany had a new dress. No one noticed the continuity error. She offered the mean man a nail file. The mean man said “no.” But he did not say “thank you.”
If Joe had been paying attention to the mean man, he would not have been surprised. Some mean men have dirty fingernails.
But Joe was paying attention to the baby.
“I need to save the Giraffetasaur,” Joe whispered to Brad. Joe was tired after such a surprising party, and he was having trouble getting a plan.
“I don’t trust the mean man. We have to act now,” Brad whispered to Joe. They looked at the mean man. The mean man looked back and cackled and some thunder and lightning happened and there was rain hitting the roof. It got so cold.
The mean man walked to the center of the room: “Thanks to that Formula X and its aftereffects, Joe won’t be having any more plans.”
“So, that’s the surprise? No more plans?” The baby felt disappointment. Everyone thought it was nice the baby could experience such high-level emotions. Maybe the baby is not so unreasonable, they thought. But then the baby shot the Giraffetasaur, and everyone changed their minds.
Now Brittany was crying too because she loved the Giraffetasaur secretly. She ran over to him. “I love you!” No one was surprised. Everyone knew Brittany loved the Giraffetasaur. He was so handsome.
The Giraffetasaur started breathing heavy. “I need to tell all of you something, before you go…”
“Before we go?” Brad quipped, “you’re the one on your way out!” Everyone laughed, but the Giraffetasaur thought the joke was in poor taste.
“I’ll be ok…” he coughed. “But look at your dog staches.”
They were glowing and making loud noises. But the baby’s was not. Neither was the Giraffetasaur’s.
The mean man frowned at the Giraffetasaur. “Don’t think I’ll go along with your plan, you sneak.”
The Giraffetasaur cackled. “You won’t have a choice.”
That’s when there was a big to-do and everything shook and bright lights flashed and before anyone knew what happened, it was just the Giraffetasaur and the baby in the room.
“What happened?!” The baby was shocked. But the Giraffetasaur just smacked his lips…
***
Joe was the first to wake up. Brittany and the mean man were still unconscious. Joe realized they were not in the dark room anymore. Where is Brad? Joe looked around and realized what had happened.
Most people would never have guessed where they had gone to. But Joe did. And he was so surprised.
Check out a new scene from the second season of Surprise Joe! Season Two picks up right where Seasons One left off. The baby is still being unreasonable, but Joe can't get a plan.
Can the mean man save his partner in crime? Or will the Giraffetasaur have to save himself?
The most surprising ever, serial mystery is back for a second season. Join Joe, Brittany, Brad, that unreasonable baby, the sneaky Giraffetasaur, and--that's right--the mean man for more twists and turns.
The second season picks up right where the first one left off, so check out Season One now!
Praise for Season One:
Will Richardson said "i haven't gotten over the season 1 ending"!
Mary Colleary casually remarked, "btw love the blog"
John Sciuto "actually 'lol'ed'"
Scott Barnes called it "nice"
When told she was returning as the leading lady of Surprise Joe, Brittany Combs said "i am surprised"
"Surprise!" Everybody was cheering and smiling because the mean man's surprise birthday party for Joe was such a success. They were not surprised. The mean man always threw great parties.
"This is so surprising!" Joe was so surprised. "Thank you all very much."
The mean man put his arm around Joe and smacked his villainous lips. "I'm sorry for the mean things I said earlier, but it was all part of this plan to really shock you." Joe could hardly believe it. "But,” he continued, “the biggest surprise has been right beneath your nose all along..." Joe looked at his dog stache, and then to... "That's right, we got you a puppy!"
"What a surprise!" Joe had always wanted a puppy. And he was so surprised that the puppy was wearing a dog stache. "Wow!" Everyone was a little surprised at how happy the gift had made Joe. There was smiling and laughter and tears of joy on everyone's face. It was very sweet. If they were pretty happy before, they were very happy now.
Except the baby. The baby was feeling blue. "This doesn't explain anything." The baby was crying. "Why is everyone else wearing a dog stache? There is nothing evil about a surprise party. It doesn’t make sense!" The baby was really annoyed by the plot holes and the lazy storytelling, but everyone was sure the baby just needed a fresh diaper.
"I'll change the baby." Joe's clone was being such a good dad. But the baby kept crying, and everyone realized the baby looked sick. That's when they heard a gun shot. Joe's clone slumped over. He was dying slowly and painfully.
Wow, thought Joe. This is so surprising. The baby was getting angrier and angrier and he looked so mad. "We never found out what mean thing the mean man said to Joe. Or about the surprising aftereffects of Formula X. And why," the baby moaned, "did the Giraffetasaur stick me with that syringe?"
The mean man looked at the Giraffetasaur. He was so surprised. "That was not part of my plan!" The mean man was mad at the Giraffetasaur. Wow, thought Joe again. All of these surprises are making for the best birthday. He was a little sad that his clone was dying slowly, but it was surprising at least.
The Giraffetasaur laughed quietly and sort of suspiciously. "Don't listen to the baby. I don't even have a syringe! I will just change this diaper." He walked over to the baby.
But then the baby pointed his gun at the Giraffetasaur. “I want answers.” And the baby was shaking and crying a little and everyone else in the room was very scared because the baby hadn't even developed a reliable sense of rationality. Everyone wished the baby would be reasonable, but the baby was too young.
"Joe! You're the only one who can save my true love!" Brittany was weeping openly and everybody thought she meant her baby except really she loved the Giraffetasaur. But Joe was already feeling the aftereffects of Formula X and he thought it was giving him a plan. He whispered something in Brad's ear and Brad whispered it to the mean man and the mean man whispered to Brittany. The message got really messed up in the process, but everyone was shocked anyway.
Joe just laughed. With a gentle wink and a healthy smile he told them all: "don't look so surprised."
Thanks to Brittany, Casey, Mike and Lisa. Special thanks to Brad for having his picture taken with Joe Rogan.
Will the baby kill again? Will Brittany's love for the Giraffetasaur get her into trouble with Joe? Will Brad get caught in another cage? Will the mean man stop being so mean?
Yes to all! Next season on the most surprising ever serial-mystery, Surprise Joe!
"Brad is in trouble," Brittany shouted to Joe. Joe was having trouble feeling surprised and he wanted to sleep. But Brittany had just come from the dark room.
"I'm not so surprised." Joe was eating a bowl of cereal before bed. What a healthy snack. "The mean man just sent me a message," Joe looked concerned. "He is on his way to the dark room. He wants us to meet him there."
"We have to go! You have to save Brad." Brittany really wants Joe to save Brad, Joe thought. He was a little surprised. The Formula X must be wearing off. Who knows what the aftereffects could be. That little surprise made Joe want to stay awake and look for bigger surprises. Brittany had known that Joe would want more. She looked at him delightedly. "I have a surprising disguise for you."
"I'm not sure this dog stache is a very good disguise." He was pretty surprised though. Where are all of these dog staches coming from? Joe and Brittany were standing outside the dark room.
"Of course it is, you look--" Brittany started but the mean man poked his head out of the door and pulled Brittany inside. The mean man stepped out toward Joe and closed the door behind him.
"She's not going anywhere until you and I talk." The mean man was pausing villainously between phrases to laugh. "I want to apologize for all of the bad things that I have done." I think the mean man sees through my disguise, Joe thought.
The mean man looked sincere. Joe is buying it, he thought. Its all going according to my plan to surprise Joe. "The Giraffetasaur has been preparing for your arrival for some time."
Inside the room, Brittany was not so surprised. She had lured Joe by pretending Brad was in trouble. But Brad was part of the mean man's plan all along. She had already made the Giraffetasaur apologize for locking Brad in a Giraffetasaur cage. The baby was not surprised by any of this. But he still was very happy that the mean man's surprise was finally ready for Joe.
Outside, the mean man was still talking to Joe. "Look, Joe," the mean man laughed suspiciously. "To say I'm sorry, I threw together a little surprise for you." He motioned toward the door. "Oh, and that Formula X has some surprising aftereffects," he snickered. "I'll be waiting for you. And I'll be wearing a dog stache too." The mean man slipped into the dark room.
Joe was so surprised. Where are all of these dog staches coming from? He heard the mean man quiet all of his mean friends in the dark room, as the lights clicked off. Joe knew that the mean man was not sorry. And he knew the mean man had outplanned him this time. But the mean man promised a surprise. Joe wanted a surprise. He knew what he had to do.
Joe opened the door. The lights clicked on. Wow, thought Joe. This is so surprising.
“I can’t believe they thought—“ the Giraffetasaur panted, “—I was a great doctor.” He was out of breath from running so far, carrying such a big baby. They were in a suspiciously dark room, but the baby already knew what suspicious things the Giraffetasaur was going to do.
The Giraffetasaur pulled out a suspicious looking syringe. The baby was very smart and had already figured out the Giraffetasaur’s plan. I wish I could tell someone, the baby thought. But no one ever listens to babies.
The Giraffetasaur held the syringe up to the baby’s fat head. “We need something from you.” He laughed so suspiciously.
The Giraffetasaur stuck his needle into the baby’s dog stache. The baby was not surprised, and knew all along that the mean man and the Giraffetasaur gave everyone dog staches as part of an evil plan to surprise Joe for the last time. I am so bad with adults, the baby thought.
The baby was bad with adults, but not compared to most babies. The baby cried a lot and had a hard time communicating, and also also drank so much milk. You weren’t there, but one time Joe found out how much milk the baby drank. Joe was so surprised.
That’s pretty much how Joe looked when he found out. But back in the dark room, the Giraffetasaur was putting away his syringe kit. “Everything is moving along swimmingly,” he boasted. Wow. Only a villain would use such a pretentious adverb, the baby thought. But then the baby heard a knock at the door. The Giraffetasaur heard it too. “Who’s there?”
“It’s Brad! The mean man sent me.” The Giraffetasaur was not surprised. He knew that Joe really sent Brad. Joe always used diet soda as bait to trap the Giraffetasaur in a cage. Not this time. “He told me to bring you a diet soda,” Brad called back. The Giraffetasaur let Brad in.
“Why is it so dark in here?” Brad thought the lighting in the Giraffetasaur’s room was so suspicious, but he was not surprised. Everything is going according to Joe’s plan, he thought.
“I have been grieving my lost uncle,” the Giraffetasaur said. The baby knew the Giraffetasaur was lying. It’s a trap!, the baby wanted to tell Brad, but could not say a word. The baby felt so trapped and alone, and started crying really loudly. The Giraffetasaur walked over to the baby.
“Quiet down little baby,” the Giraffetasaur hushed, “have some of this Diet X and maybe you will stop crying.” The Giraffetasaur wanted to see what Brad would do now. If he gave the baby this Diet X, the Giraffetasaur thought, the baby would probably be poisoned or something tricky. “The mean man still wants me to give the baby Diet X, right Brad?”
Oh no, thought Brad. If the Giraffetasaur gives the baby any soda, the baby will be up all night! And then there’s the secret ingredient of Diet X… oh no, Brad thought again. But just as the Giraffetasaur was about to feed Diet X to the baby, the baby stopped crying. “I guess the baby is fine,” Brad sighed relief.
“Maybe the baby is fine—” the Giraffetasaur laughed. The Giraffetasaur clapped twice, and the lights in the room came on instantly. “—but you’re not.”
Everybody was pretty happy and celebrating about the baby. “I’m so surprised I am a father!” Joe’s clone was so surprised, but Joe was getting bored. He was still pretty tired and, he thought, if he didn’t get surprised again pretty soon, he would go to bed. But then the mean man walked over to Joe.
The mean man did not look very mean when he gave Joe a cigar. “Congratulations, Joe. You will be a very good uncle.” Joe was not surprised. Even mean men can be nice for a special occasion, Joe thought. “To apologize for all the mean things I have done,” the mean man continued, “I brought a present for the baby.”
Brittany was standing next to a great doctor. “The mean man got me a great doctor! He is going to check the baby for disease.” This is surprising, Joe thought, but I don’t feel surprised. I should go to bed, he thought. Brittany and the great doctor were filling out insurance paperwork.
“Now if you could hand me the baby,” the great doctor said suspiciously.
Brittany handed the baby to the great doctor, and the doctor ran away with the baby as fast as he could. For some reason, Joe was not surprised. It must be time for bed, he thought. Joe wondered really hard why such a great doctor would act so suspiciously. He was getting too tired to wonder much more, when the mean man interrupted with an evil laugh. “Looks like the baby is ours now.” The mean man was up to no good. “The cigar you are smoking is laced with Formula X.”
Joe was not surprised. Mostly, because Formula X is a secret formula that stops people from feeling surprised. Now that Joe couldn’t be surprised anymore, he felt ready for bed. There was nothing he could do to stop the mean man and the suspicious doctor.
“Joe! You’re the only one who can get my baby back.” Brittany looked at Joe. Joe wasn’t surprised. He knew that people depended on him in these situations. Brittany and Joe's clone looked so sad about losing their baby.
Joe thought if he could just tell everyone his plan before he went to bed, he could stop the mean man. But Joe was getting really grumpy. He wasn't sure why the mean man would steal a baby, but he was sure he needed to act fast. He looked at Brad.
“I have a plan,” Joe said to Brad. Joe was getting grumpy and no one was surprised. “I need a diet soda and a Giraffetasaur cage.”
“A Giraffetasaur cage?!” Brad and Brittany were shocked. Everyone in the casino felt really surprised and they were all looking on, waiting to find out what would happen next.
Joe looked into the eyes of Brad and Brittany and everyone else in the casino all at pretty much the same time. He forced a grumpy smile. “Don’t look so surprised.”
