3x09: Bye Bye Brittany, pt. 1

“Oh hello,” the baby switched off the black-light, and turned on a normal desk lamp. “I didn’t see you come in. I’ve been so busy writing.” Everyone thought that the baby was so cute trying to talk.

Except Joe. He was not surprised. “That big headed baby has been writing the show? This is why nothing makes sense!” Everyone looked at Joe. He was so worked up and kicking at the air and screaming. “Everyone knows that babies are so unreasonable and can’t craft logical story lines or understand human emotions.”

“That's right, Joe.” The Mayor cackled. “And that’s why my M.E.A.N. Plan ensures that every baby is educated. No one should have to put up with such ridiculous plot lines.” Everyone agreed, and the Mayor continued, “you see, the cure—cures fear itself! And of course, babies are most afraid of exacting logic and rigorous academic programs.”

Brad was so mad and holding up the meanest protest signs.

And Brad wasn’t the only one who was so annoyed. All this time, everybody had been looking forward to a thoughtful, logical resolution of season three. That stupid twist looked more like an excuse for the writers to be lazy. It was like Lost. And everyone was so mad.

Except the Giraffetasaur. “I understand,” he said. He couldn’t understand human emotions, so he must have meant the plot. “That’s why the cure turned Brittany into that baby—and that baby back into a Brittany.”

“Yes,” the Mayor smirked. “you see the cure—cures fear itself!” No one was sure why the Mayor was repeating himself. Probably sloppy editing. But anyway, he was cackling so hard and there were lightening bolts and a silhouette of a scary swan behind him.

Meanwhile, the baby was getting so annoyed. Writing a show was such hard work, and everyone was being so disruptive. The baby was even more upset about how dumb the story was. The idea that scientists had found a cure for fear itself was pretty tenuous, and there didn’t seem to be any logic as to how it actually worked.

“It’s true! The cure works!” Brad was done protesting. “My biggest fear is getting trapped in a Giraffetasaur cage, and that cure got me right out. The Giraffetasaur’s biggest fear is not getting enough rest. That’s why he passed out immediately when the nurse cured him!” But everyone knew Brad was a big investor in cure. He was probably just trying to condition the market.

“Brittany’s number one fear,” the Giraffetasaur continued, undisturbed by the other dialogue, “is being alone.” He looked so stoic, bleeding a little and grimacing heroically. “Since you can’t leave babies alone, the cure turned her into one.”

Joe was so annoyed and he had such a headache. “Then why did that second cure turn her back into a Brittany?” He didn’t have any idea what was going on. Some day off, he thought. He was starting to wonder if maybe the M.E.A.N. Plan wasn't all the mean. It didn't seem so bad, after all, to try to help people overcome their fears. But if babies didn't overcome their fears on their own, maybe they would never grow up at all. And, anyway, if the Mayor wasn't a villain, then who would be?

Just then, a mean girl strutted in. She was scowling and making faces, but she was wearing a dog stache. And everyone was so surprised.

“I’m the director of the most surprising ever serial spin-off, Surprise Joey. Brittany is ours. She’s acting in our show now. And that baby is ours, writing our show. You don't even have a villain anymore, and there will never be a fourth season of Joe! You’ve been canceled.”

Everyone was so confused. Why was there a new character all of a sudden? (No one knew.) What was the deal with Surprise Joey? (No one cared.) But while everyone was distracted thinking about how badly written the show was and wishing the season would just end already, the most beautiful nurse came out of nowhere with another syringe, and pricked another needle-full of cure into Brittany’s neck.

The Giraffetasaur was so concerned. Three shots of cure... that was enough to kill a Giraffetasaur. But everyone knew Brittany was not a Giraffetasaur, so they weren't worried. Brittany was starting to feel a little weak, but the nurse was always doing things like this.

The mean girl was so mad that the nurse had foiled her plan. She talked like such a deviant: "That third shot will cure Brittany's third biggest fear..." she cackled, “but you can’t stop us forever!” It was pretty random, but everyone had gotten so used to the absurd plot twists that they barely noticed.

Except everyone did notice that the episode was getting a little long. So out of nowhere, part one of the two-part season three finale of the most surprising ever serial mystery ended.

And everyone was so surprised.

3x08: "What's Going On?"

It was the second-to-last episode of season three, and the story had gotten so out of hand. People in Africa were rioting and the Chinese government was being so self-conscious. Everyone thought there was no way it could all come together. But everyone was so wrong.

 “Stop right there!” Joe shouted, as he burst into the Dark Room with the baby. The nurse and Mayor Mean Man were cackling so villainously. The Giraffetasaur was all chained up, but no one even felt bad for him.

 “You’re just in time,” Mayor Mean Man smacked his lips. “Except… you don’t look so surprised.” Joe was not surprised. The Mayor focused his mean gaze: “I may have just the cure for that…”

The nurse lunged at Joe with a syringe. The Surprise Joe theme song started playing, and there was such a tussle. She was trying to inject Joe, but Joe was so strong and they were struggling so much. Joe was doing karate and the nurse was doing jiu jitsu, and there were big explosions, and a car chase and it was the most exciting ever action sequence.

 But then something so surprising happened.

The nurse had Joe pinned against the wall, and the needle was so close to his neck and she was trying to push it in and he was trying to push it away, but then across the room there was a huge crash! The nurse was so startled that she stumbled backwards and she was falling in slow motion, and as she fell, the syringe slipped and Joe was screaming “nooooo!” until the syringe injected that big-headed baby right in the neck.

Everyone gasped, and wondered what made that big crash. Then Brad stood up from a pile of rubbish. He had fallen through the ceiling or something! Everyone was so relieved that the story finally would be resolved.

“That big-headed baby isn’t a baby at all—it’s Brittany!” Brad announced it to the whole room, and he was right. “The nurse found Brittany this morning and injected her. Just like she injected the Giraffetasaur,” he paused. “And just like she injected you, Joe.”

“But she never even injected me… and the Giraffetasaur hasn’t turned into a baby! Looks like the cure doesn’t work, Mayor. I’ve saved the day again, and you won’t be building your Military of Evil and Angry Newborns after all.”

The Mayor cackled, shaking his head. “That’s not what M.E.A.N. stands for! We’re Making Education Accessible for Newborns.” It didn’t sound like such an evil plan, but it probably was. “And the cure doesn’t turn everyone into babies, it—”

“Wait!” the Giraffetasaur shouted. Everyone looked at the baby, but that cure had already turned her back into a Brittany. “If that big-headed baby was Brittany, then where is…”

Just then the whole room started shaking and rumbling, and everyone got so scared and the most intense violin music was playing.

“What’s going on?” Brittany a little confused, and so scared, and she just wanted to be comforted.

But no one knew what was going on. Until Joe heard a baby crying. He realized right away what was going on, and for the first time all season, Joe was so surprised.

3x07: Bradus Ex Cagina

When Brad took that cure, it gave him the biggest clue. He got out of that cage, and he felt good. In fact, he had figured out the biggest surprise of the whole season before anyone else! 

He could resolve the whole narrative. But first, he had to find everyone…

***

Meanwhile, Mayor Mean Man paced villainously about his lavishly decorated suite in town hall.

“What a beautiful day,” he whispered arrogantly to someone off-camera. But it was so cloudy outside. And everyone could tell by his devilish grin, the Mayor was talking to a woman. She was probably a deviant too.

He continued: “I really enjoyed that newest episode of Surprise Joey. I don’t have any idea what's going on, but I can’t help wondering what will happen next! Yes, what a successful spinoff.” He smiled again. “Thanks to you...”

She did not respond, but she was probably smiling and gloating.

“And soon my M.E.A.N. Plan will go into effect…” He cackled like such a villain, until his secretary buzzed him on his hands-free, Bluetooth-enabled headset.

 

“Yes, Mrs. Teet?”

“Mr. Mayor, the cure has arrived.” Mayor Mean Man smiled so widely and menacingly. She continued, “Shall I have them to bring it to the Dark Room?”

“Yes. Thank you, Mrs. Teet. And please send Joe a message. Tell him to meet me there.”

“Is that all, Mr. Mayor?”

He paused. “No, Mrs. Teet. Tell him, ‘Don’t look so surprised.’”

***

Joe was racing toward town hall like a mad man when he felt his phone vibrate. Joe always kept his phone on ‘vibrate,’ because keeping it on ‘ring’ was so rude. But he didn’t even consider that messaging while driving was such a hazard.

From the office of Mayor Mean Man…

Joe was not surprised. The Mayor was taunting him. But Joe had the cure. He was going to stop that villain and find Brittany, and that’s exactly how the season would end. Everyone was  hoping for a better surprise in the finale. But Joe knew: The show was already over... and he was done with surprises.

In the backseat, the baby had stopped crying. She remembered. That morning. The nurse had injected her with the cure. She wished her life would go back to the way it was... 

But the baby had never been referred to as a “he” or a “she” before. It was such a clue, but no one even cared! The show was so stupid, and everything always happened so randomly—what difference would it make if the baby was a girl or a boy?

And then the car stopped in the alley behind town hall.

“We’re here little baby. I’m going to find Brittany. But I’ll be damned if there are any more surprises today.”

3x06: The One Where Brittany Comes Back

The Giraffetasaur looked at his watch. It was 1:00pm on Tuesday! He was sure now that Joe was wrong. The show had not been canceled. Had it? Anyway, the Giraffetasaur wasn't quite sure what that time-warp cruise ship had to do with it. He wasn't even on the ship in season two! How could he have met Brittany there? The Giraffetasaur was sure he could not trust Joe. Joe had acted like such a villain, stealing that cure and leaving the Giraffetasaur behind. But everyone knew Joe wasn't a villain.

So the Giraffetasaur changed the subject. He wondered if Brad had taken that cure yet. He’s probably turned all the way into a little baby by now if he has. The Giraffetasaur cackled as he pictured that big-headed Brad stuck in a Giraffetasaur cage.

Wait. The cure turns people into babies? Everyone was getting so tired of Surprise Joe and grumbling about how arbitrary and meaningless the plot twists were. No one was even surprised.

But the Giraffetasaur was already thinking about his plan for Brittany. (1) They take the cure; (2) the cure turns them into babies; and (3) they grow (a) old, (b) together and (c) in love. It was so romantic. (Even though the Giraffetasaur was an inhuman villain, incapable of having emotions.) Brittany thought he was so handsome, though. And such a billionaire!

But then the Giraffetasaur heard something. He tensed up. The Giraffetasaur could smell surprises. And this was a big one.

The sky was so dark and suspicious looking all of a sudden. There was the spookiest house on the side of the road. But there was a surprise in there. So the Giraffetasaur started walking toward it.

It was the television. He could see it through the window. A man and a woman stood side-by-side. It was…

The Giraffetasaur could feel the surprise. It was coming. He knocked on the door of that suspicious house, but the door just creaked open. He peeked in. “Hello? I’m a handsome billionaire, but I’m lost!” No response. So he stepped inside. It was so spooky.

The man on the TV was handsome. He had dark hair, and he was eating a healthy snack. But it was not Joe. The Giraffetasaur was not surprised. Except… except the woman standing next to that healthy man was such a natural blonde. Her eyes were the most authentic blue. And she was wearing a dog stache.

“Chad is in trouble!” Britney shouted to Joey. He was having trouble getting surprised after all that Formula X. He just wanted to sleep.

“I’m not surprised.” Joey was eating a bowl of cereal before bed. “The mean girl sent me a message. She wants us to meet her in the dark room.”

The Giraffetasaur was surprised. He was sure that Britney was Brittany! But that other man… Then, the Giraffetasaur felt a prick in the back of his neck. He slumped to the ground.

Standing there, the most beautiful nurse was holding some cure. She just giggled. “Surprised to see me?”

The TV still blared as she dragged the Giraffetasaur's body away. 

Stay tuned for more Surprise Joey!

And it went to commercial.