3x05: About Last Season...

Joe was starting to feel not much like himself as he sped toward town hall. He knew reckless driving was dangerous, but Joe had to stop Mayor Mean Man’s M.E.A.N. Plan and save Brittany right away. He felt like he was about to realize something very surprising, and all on his day off... day off from what? He thought really hard, but he couldn't quite remember...

Sitting shotgun, the Giraffetasaur fingered the syringe in his pocket. It was full of cure. He cackled like a menace.

“The Giraffetasaur?” Joe glanced at that long-necked villain. The Giraffetasaur wasn’t paying any attention to Joe. He was just cackling and being rude. “I think I just realized something pretty surprising, but...”

The Giraffetasaur didn’t care to listen. All Joe ever thought about was surprises! The Giraffetasaur just wanted to find Brittany. She needed that cure, and he trusted Joe would bring him to her. So he kept cackling. But Joe was getting so annoyed and starting to feel really mean because he just needed to ask the Giraffetasaur an important question but the Giraffetasaur wouldn't listen.

So Joe slammed on the brakes, right in the middle of the road. The drivers behind him were slamming on their brakes too and honking, and the baby started crying so hard. Joe jumped out of the car, and other cars were whizzing by him, but Joe looked cool—like he had a plan—because he did have a plan and no one could stop him.

He walked around to the Giraffetasaur’s passenger side door feeling mean. He yanked that Giraffetasaur from his seat and threw him to the pavement.

“Listen to me, you stupid animal!” He was breathing so heavy and spitting a little, and doing karate on the Giraffetasaur. “Listen to me!” Joe regained his composure. "Where did you and Brittany first meet?" The Giraffetasaur was so stunned he couldn't even answer! So Joe gave him a knuckle sandwich. "You told Brittany you'd meet her where the two of you first met. THINK!"

The Giraffetasaur thought. Joe's party? The casino? No... His eyes got wide, and he realized... the cruise ship... just before Joe told him:

"Don't you see... Surprise Joe was canceled.”

The Giraffetasaur stared up at Joe and the baby’s cry shuddered to a whimper. "But I was a writer!"

“No. All this time you were just characters in the most surprising ever serial mystery. But after bad ratings and a wacky plot about a time-warp cruise ship early in the second season, that show was canceled.”

“But if we're not on the show anymore, then…” Oh no, the Giraffetasaur thought. He did not want to say out loud what he was thinking, but he worried it wouldn't carry the same dramatic weight if he stayed silent: “…Brittany really might not make it to season four?”

Joe looked so serious. “We’ll see about that!” He did some more karate on the Giraffetasaur, grabbed the cure, back-flipped into his driver seat, and sped off. He couldn't help but start laughing when he showed the syringe to that baby. “We can save her, little baby!”

Everyone remembered season one when the Giraffetasaur had pricked that baby’s big head with a syringe. Except the big-headed baby remembered that syringe from somewhere else. And that’s when the baby realized something just a bit more surprising...

“What’s wrong, little baby?” Joe was laughing like a mad man now, and the baby was wailing and sobbing. “Don’t look so surprised.”

3x04: Army Crawl

Joe stopped his car in front of the Giraffetasaur’s mansion. “Wait here, little baby. I need to see if the Giraffetasaur has any clues about Brittany.” Joe got out of the car and started toward the house, while the baby sat and listened to the radio.

“Joe!” The Giraffetasaur burst out of his front door, wearing a villainous smirk. “What a nice surprise. But I'm just on my way—”

Joe spoke without saying hello: “Brittany is in trouble.” He didn’t mind being a little rude. Brittany’s life was in danger, and there was no time for pleasantries.

The Giraffetasaur’s smirk vanished. “Trouble?”

“She called this morning. Said something was wrong. There was a loud crash and the line went dead. By the time I got to her house, she was gone. You need to tell me everything you know, or Brittany might not survive until season four.”

The Giraffetasaur reached into his pocket. He had the cure, but what could that have to do with Brittany? “Joe, I don't know what to tell you. I’m not writing the show anymore. In fact, I'm on my way..." the Giraffetasaur was stammering and lying like such a villain. "I'm headed to the bank right now. I need a new checkbook, since I'm a billionaire and all. I just don’t know anything about—”

 

Joe grabbed the Giraffetasaur by his extra long neck. “Shut up and listen to me!” Joe looked so serious. He talked in an especially deep and threatening voice. “I heard your message on Brittany’s answering machine. And I think I have a plan." The Girrafetasaur looked surprised. "But first, tell me: Have you read Mayor Mean Man's M.E.A.N. Plan?”

The Giraffetasaur had spent plenty of time listening to people debate the Plan, but he was sure no one had ever actually read it. “Of course not Joe, I am a billionaire and I don’t have time for—”

“Shut up!” Joe shouted. He was not surprised. “Do you know why those important scientists took your money to find that important cure?” The Giraffetasaur did not. “Mayor Mean Man is building an army of disgruntled babies. A Military of Evil and Angry Newborns.”

“M.E.A.N…” The Giraffetasaur was so surprised. How had he not put it together? He thought of Brad trapped in that cage in his basement, with all of that cure. Oh no...

He thought he heard a baby cry from inside the house, but it was just that big-headed baby, moaning and whining and being such a baby in the car. Joe and the Giraffetasaur raced over.

“What is it little baby?”

The baby was so upset, partly because the story had taken such a bizarre turn (an army of babies?) and partly because no one had found Brittany (the baby really wanted to feed).

But mostly, the baby was upset about one message that kept repeating on that car radio. So they listened:

“This is Mayor Mean Man. Today, the M.E.A.N. Plan goes into effect. Everyone, please come to the town hall immediately. And don’t worry: We have enough cure for everyone…”

3x03: A Cure by Any Other Name

The Giraffetasaur looked distraught, lit only by a single candle's flame, as he paced the floor of his dark mansion. No one was sure if that sneaky Giraffetasaur could carry a whole episode by himself, since he wasn’t especially easy to empathize with. (Mostly because he was half giraffe.) But the Giraffetasaur was a very handsome billionaire now, and his recent donation to a few important scientists had helped them find a very important cure.

“What violent hand so tortures me today?” The Giraffetasaur had never soliloquized before, but it felt good. “Not long ago I was accomplice to the meanest man. I snatched up babes and caged in Brad. Yet thought that all was done. Reform! I said, I’ll write the show...

“But all these dollar billions that I wrote into my storyline have left me unfulfilled.” That Giraffetasaur looked around. “So, now I’ve called on Brit’ny—and I have a plan.” He paced into his laboratory, satisfied with eight lines of iambic pentameter, and picked up a syringe.

“When I see Brit’ny, she will take my cure.” The Giraffetasaur smacked his lips villainously and cackled like a fiend. But then he heard a window crash! and a man tumbled into the Giraffetasaur’s dark laboratory.

The Giraffetasaur was so surprised. And everyone else was so glad that the Giraffetasaur wouldn’t have to carry the rest of the episode by himself.

The other man spoke: “I’m here to stop that Mayor’s meanest Plan. That villain’s anti-baby, and I’m certain so are you… Look here, your cure is mine!” The Giraffetasaur couldn’t see anything, so he flipped a switch on his villainous wall. 

Suddenly, a light came on and a cage fell from the ceiling. The Giraffetasaur cackled at the trapped Brad. “I don’t obey that meanest mayor anymore—the cure is mine alone.”

Brad laughed. “Your cure? You donated so handsomely, but ne’er could it be yours... You’re not even human.”

The Giraffetasaur’s feelings were hurt, especially because Brad broke the rhythm in his last line. So the Giraffetasaur turned and left his lab with all the cure he needed for his meeting with Brittany.

And so, Brad was all alone. He was curious about all the boxes of that important cure just sitting there in the cage with him. So he picked up a syringe, and dripped one drop onto his tongue. He felt it instantly. And all of a sudden…

Well, that’s a surprise.

3x02: A Big-Headed Surprise

Joe was on his way to save Brittany. Everyone was worried. The writers had never killed off anyone except for Joe’s clone. But Joe was worried that since the Giraffetasaur was writing the show, anything could happen now. So Joe drove quickly.

In fact, Joe drove so quickly that it was almost too late when he saw a big-headed baby crying in the middle of the road. He swerved out of the way, just in time. Oh no! thought Joe. He had to save Brittany, but there was a lonely baby sitting in the street. So Joe stepped out of his car, and decided to save that big-headed baby too.

“Hello little baby,” he said, as he picked up the baby. Joe supported the baby’s neck properly (which was especially important because the baby’s head was so big) and buckled the baby into the passenger seat of his car. Then the baby started crying.

It didn’t make any sense that Joe would find a baby in the middle of the road, thought the baby. This was exactly the type of wild, illogical plot turn that the baby hated so much. And it was so reckless to buckle a baby into a car without a proper car seat. But then again, it wasn’t safe for babies to sit in the middle of the road either.

How did I end up in the middle of the road? The baby wondered pretty hard, but babies don’t have very good memories and soon the baby was more concerned with something shiny on Joe’s dashboard.

When they arrived at Brittany’s house, her front door was open. They went inside. “Hello?” Joe was calling out for Brittany, and the baby was crying a little, but Brittany couldn’t hear them because she was not there.

Then, Joe noticed a red light blinking on Brittany’s answering machine. The baby saw it too, but was a little skeptical. No one used answering machines anymore, and it seemed like the Giraffetasaur was resorting to contrived plot devices rather than coming up with creative, interesting narratives. The baby just wanted a little character development.

Joe thought about listening to the message. He hated the idea of invading Brittany’s privacy, but Joe knew that if he was going to save Brittany, he was going to need a clue. So he pressed PLAY:

Brittany? This is the Giraffetasaur. I’ve given up writing the show. I need to see you now. I’ll explain everything if you meet me today. Three o’clock, at the place where you and I first met.

When the message ended, the baby’s eyes were wide. If the Giraffetasaur wasn’t writing the show, then who was? What did Brittany have to do with any of this? It was only 10 in the morning, and they still had time to figure out where to find them--how, though? The baby was so worried.

But Joe knew what to do. He just looked at that big-headed baby, smiled a little and said, “don’t look so surprised.”