1x06: Waiting for Joe

"Brad is in trouble," Brittany shouted to Joe. Joe was having trouble feeling surprised and he wanted to sleep. But Brittany had just come from the dark room.

"I'm not so surprised." Joe was eating a bowl of cereal before bed. What a healthy snack. "The mean man just sent me a message," Joe looked concerned. "He is on his way to the dark room. He wants us to meet him there."

"We have to go! You have to save Brad." Brittany really wants Joe to save Brad, Joe thought. He was a little surprised. The Formula X must be wearing off. Who knows what the aftereffects could be. That little surprise made Joe want to stay awake and look for bigger surprises. Brittany had known that Joe would want more. She looked at him delightedly. "I have a surprising disguise for you."

"I'm not sure this dog stache is a very good disguise." He was pretty surprised though. Where are all of these dog staches coming from? Joe and Brittany were standing outside the dark room.

"Of course it is, you look--" Brittany started but the mean man poked his head out of the door and pulled Brittany inside. The mean man stepped out toward Joe and closed the door behind him.

"She's not going anywhere until you and I talk." The mean man was pausing villainously between phrases to laugh. "I want to apologize for all of the bad things that I have done." I think the mean man sees through my disguise, Joe thought.

The mean man looked sincere. Joe is buying it, he thought. Its all going according to my plan to surprise Joe. "The Giraffetasaur has been preparing for your arrival for some time."

Inside the room, Brittany was not so surprised. She had lured Joe by pretending Brad was in trouble. But Brad was part of the mean man's plan all along. She had already made the Giraffetasaur apologize for locking Brad in a Giraffetasaur cage. The baby was not surprised by any of this. But he still was very happy that the mean man's surprise was finally ready for Joe.

Outside, the mean man was still talking to Joe. "Look, Joe," the mean man laughed suspiciously. "To say I'm sorry, I threw together a little surprise for you." He motioned toward the door. "Oh, and that Formula X has some surprising aftereffects," he snickered. "I'll be waiting for you. And I'll be wearing a dog stache too." The mean man slipped into the dark room.

Joe was so surprised. Where are all of these dog staches coming from? He heard the mean man quiet all of his mean friends in the dark room, as the lights clicked off. Joe knew that the mean man was not sorry. And he knew the mean man had outplanned him this time. But the mean man promised a surprise. Joe wanted a surprise. He knew what he had to do.

Joe opened the door. The lights clicked on. Wow, thought Joe. This is so surprising.

1x05: The Dark Room

 

“I can’t believe they thought—“ the Giraffetasaur panted, “—I was a great doctor.”  He was out of breath from running so far, carrying such a big baby.  They were in a suspiciously dark room, but the baby already knew what suspicious things the Giraffetasaur was going to do.

The Giraffetasaur pulled out a suspicious looking syringe.  The baby was very smart and had already figured out the Giraffetasaur’s plan.  I wish I could tell someone, the baby thought.  But no one ever listens to babies.

The Giraffetasaur held the syringe up to the baby’s fat head.  “We need something from you.”  He laughed so suspiciously. 

The Giraffetasaur stuck his needle into the baby’s dog stache.  The baby was not surprised, and knew all along that the mean man and the Giraffetasaur gave everyone dog staches as part of an evil plan to surprise Joe for the last time.  I am so bad with adults, the baby thought. 

The baby was bad with adults, but not compared to most babies.  The baby cried a lot and had a hard time communicating, and also also drank so much milk.  You weren’t there, but one time Joe found out how much milk the baby drank.  Joe was so surprised.

That’s pretty much how Joe looked when he found out.  But back in the dark room, the Giraffetasaur was putting away his syringe kit.  “Everything is moving along swimmingly,” he boasted.  Wow.  Only a villain would use such a pretentious adverb, the baby thought.  But then the baby heard a knock at the door.  The Giraffetasaur heard it too.  “Who’s there?”

“It’s Brad!  The mean man sent me.”  The Giraffetasaur was not surprised.  He knew that Joe really sent Brad.  Joe always used diet soda as bait to trap the Giraffetasaur in a cage.  Not this time.  “He told me to bring you a diet soda,”  Brad called back.  The Giraffetasaur let Brad in.

“Why is it so dark in here?”  Brad thought the lighting in the Giraffetasaur’s room was so suspicious, but he was not surprised.  Everything is going according to Joe’s plan, he thought.

“I have been grieving my lost uncle,” the Giraffetasaur said.  The baby knew the Giraffetasaur was lying. It’s a trap!, the baby wanted to tell Brad, but could not say a word.  The baby felt so trapped and alone, and started crying really loudly.  The Giraffetasaur walked over to the baby.

“Quiet down little baby,” the Giraffetasaur hushed, “have some of this Diet X and maybe you will stop crying.”  The Giraffetasaur wanted to see what Brad would do now.  If he gave the baby this Diet X, the Giraffetasaur thought, the baby would probably be poisoned or something tricky.  “The mean man still wants me to give the baby Diet X, right Brad?”

Oh no, thought Brad.  If the Giraffetasaur gives the baby any soda, the baby will be up all night! And then there’s the secret ingredient of Diet X… oh no, Brad thought again.  But just as the Giraffetasaur  was about to feed Diet X to the baby, the baby stopped crying.  “I guess the baby is fine,” Brad sighed relief.

“Maybe the baby is fine—” the Giraffetasaur laughed.  The Giraffetasaur clapped twice, and the lights in the room came on instantly.  “—but you’re not.” 

Brad looked around.  He was very surprised.

1x04: Baby Formula

Everybody was pretty happy and celebrating about the baby. “I’m so surprised I am a father!” Joe’s clone was so surprised, but Joe was getting bored. He was still pretty tired and, he thought, if he didn’t get surprised again pretty soon, he would go to bed. But then the mean man walked over to Joe.

The mean man did not look very mean when he gave Joe a cigar. “Congratulations, Joe. You will be a very good uncle.” Joe was not surprised. Even mean men can be nice for a special occasion, Joe thought. “To apologize for all the mean things I have done,” the mean man continued, “I brought a present for the baby.”

Brittany was standing next to a great doctor. “The mean man got me a great doctor! He is going to check the baby for disease.” This is surprising, Joe thought, but I don’t feel surprised. I should go to bed, he thought. Brittany and the great doctor were filling out insurance paperwork.

“Now if you could hand me the baby,” the great doctor said suspiciously.

Brittany handed the baby to the great doctor, and the doctor ran away with the baby as fast as he could. For some reason, Joe was not surprised. It must be time for bed, he thought. Joe wondered really hard why such a great doctor would act so suspiciously.  He was getting too tired to wonder much more, when the mean man interrupted with an evil laugh. “Looks like the baby is ours now.” The mean man was up to no good. “The cigar you are smoking is laced with Formula X.”

Joe was not surprised. Mostly, because Formula X is a secret formula that stops people from feeling surprised. Now that Joe couldn’t be surprised anymore, he felt ready for bed. There was nothing he could do to stop the mean man and the suspicious doctor.

“Joe! You’re the only one who can get my baby back.” Brittany looked at Joe. Joe wasn’t surprised. He knew that people depended on him in these situations. Brittany and Joe's clone looked so sad about losing their baby.

Joe thought if he could just tell everyone his plan before he went to bed, he could stop the mean man. But Joe was getting really grumpy. He wasn't sure why the mean man would steal a baby, but he was sure he needed to act fast. He looked at Brad.

“I have a plan,” Joe said to Brad. Joe was getting grumpy and no one was surprised. “I need a diet soda and a Giraffetasaur cage.”

“A Giraffetasaur cage?!” Brad and Brittany were shocked.  Everyone in the casino felt really surprised and they were all looking on, waiting to find out what would happen next.

Joe looked into the eyes of Brad and Brittany and everyone else in the casino all at pretty much the same time.  He forced a grumpy smile.  “Don’t look so surprised.”

1x03: Who's Your Daddy?

Joe was really surprised. “Are you sure that’s my baby?” Brittany looked really sure. Joe was trying to feel less surprised but he couldn’t. “Are you sure it’s not Brad’s baby?”

“But the baby doesn’t look anything like Brad,” Brittany said. Joe was really not surprised. Brittany always lied. Brad looks way more like the baby, he thought. And they were both wearing dog staches! Joe wondered if Brittany was taking crazy medicine because she was acting so crazy.

Joe looked surprised, but he wasn’t. “But,” he said, “I don’t look anything like the baby!”

Joe hadn’t seen the resemblance before, but being held by the baby, he was so surprised. “I think you’re right,” Joe said. And he started weeping openly and the baby was crying too. All the people in the casino were so surprised and they were weeping openly too. And his clone was still there and he wanted to hold the baby.

But then everybody realized the most surprising thing and their mouths fell open like hungry elephants. “Joe,” Joe said. “I think you’re the father of Brittany’s baby.” Joe was right. They were both wearing dog staches. It was so obvious. Brittany was kind of upset, because Joe’s clone didn’t have as much money to raise the child.  The baby could never go to private school. But she was convinced. Joe’s clone was the baby’s father.  Once everybody accepted it, they were all pretty happy.

But the mean man and the Giraffetasaur had been watching from a distance.

 

“Everybody is pretty happy now,” the man whispered to the Giraffetasaur. “But not for long.”

The Giraffetasaur already knew the man’s plan because they were usually on the same page. “Joe is going to be so surprised when he finds out what we have in store for him…”

1x02: New Friends

The man looked at Joe. “Where is your dog stache?” he asked. That wasn't the really mean thing I promised yesterday, but you should have seen how mean the man looked when he said it. Nothing surprised Joe more than how mean the man was. “What a villain,” Joe thought. But then the mean man said to Joe, “I want you to meet my friend.”

Joe was not very surprised. The man had introduced Joe and the Giraffetasaur so many times already. Joe already knew the Giraffetasaur always wore a dog stache. The Giraffetasaur was also a villain. “Nice to meet you, Joe. It’s very nice outside today.” Joe was so mad at how impolite the Giraffetasaur was being. 

“We’ve already met.” Joe shot back.

“Oh, I remember now. Brittany was there, right?" The Giraffetasaur was lying. He didn't remember. "Don't you remember, Brittany?”

“No,” Brittany said. “I wasn’t there.” Joe was getting so annoyed because none of this surprised him. Joe knew that Brittany wasn’t there. Pretty much everybody knew that. Except the Giraffetasaur.

Joe looked at his watch. “I think I might go to bed,” he said. Brittany looked at Joe.

“You should come home with me,” she said. Joe was not very surprised. He had been home with Brittany before. They met on a cruise ship. They didn’t love each other like normal grown ups, but they had a lot of fun.

"No thanks, Brittany." Joe was exhausted. 

“Joe,” she said, “I have to tell you something sort of surprising.” Joe was pretty sure he had seen so many amazing things today that nothing would ever shock him again. But then Brittany told Joe something really surprising about the cruise ship they had been on nine months ago.

Joe was really surprised.

1x01: Surprise!

Today, Joe was really surprised. He was online and he saw the most surprising thing.

"Wow," Joe said, "dog staches are so cool!" So, you can't imagine how surprised he was when he met my friend Brad later that day--and Brad was wearing a dog stache!

"That was so surprising." Joe was so surprised. But then Brad was like "Hey Joe, meet my friend Brittany," and Brittany was my friend first--but anyway--Joe was so surprised, mostly, because Brittany was wearing a dog stache too. Look!

"Wow. Brittany has such a great dog stache." That's what everyone was saying, and Joe was even surprised how great Brittany's dog stache was.

"Joe never gets this surprised." I'm not sure who said that, but I bet somebody did. But it doesn't even matter because the best part was when this baby came rolling over to Joe. Joe was so surprised, and it wasn't because the baby had a stupid, fat head. It was because the baby was wearing a dog stache. Wow!

Joe looks so surprised, right? I know. But you will be so shocked when you find out what surprising thing Joe saw next. A man came up to Joe and shook Joe's hand and they were both crying a little and it got so awkward for everyone else in the casino. All the people were shocked. "Can you believe how surprising this is?" That's what everybody was asking each other. You know why? Because Joe was talking to himself. Wearing a dog stache. And he was so surprised.

Like, think about how surprised you would be if you met your clone. And then multiply that by 10 because Joe's clone was wearing a dog stache. "Wow," Joe said to Joe. "This is surprising." The crowd was really quiet for a second, but then a mean man walked in. He was being really impolite and not saying excuse me, but he pushed all the way to the center of the crowd and put his arm around Joe. Joe wasn't surprised. Joe knew the man, and all the horrible things the man had done, and so Joe said to the man:

"Did you forget your dog stache?" And the man said back something really mean, but I feel like I should cool off before I tell that story. It's really mean, though, and you should come back tomorrow to find out what it was. Really.