4x04: All the Best Surprises Have Daddy Issues

 The Giraffetasaur sat at the bar, looking upset. Season four hadn’t gone the way he had hoped. “I never shoulda listened to him,” he said to the bartender.

“Yeah, and I never shoulda poured you that last drink.”

The Giraffetasaur finished his glass and slammed it down. “Gimme another.”

“You’ve had enough milk for one night.”

The Giraffetsaur growled. He was wearing a milkstache, to no one’s surprise.

“You’ve had enough,” the bartender repeated. But something else had caught the Giraffetasaur’s attention. The news was on. 

He stood up from the bar. “I have to go back…” he said.

“Exactly what I—” the bartender started, but the Giraffetasaur walked off, toward the TV. “Hey! How about paying your tab?”

Then someone else spoke, confidently and bravely. “I’ll handle that.” They turned.

It was Chardion. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.

***

The baby couldn't sleep, still locked in that cage, and wondering why the nonlinear narrative was so fashionable in postmodern literature. The baby preferred chronological plots that respected substance over form—especially late American romanticism.

Suddenly, a chirp came from outside the cage door. “Are you awake, baby?”

  The baby stayed quiet for a second, but realized the plot might never progress if there wasn’t a little dialogue soon.

“What do you want?” the baby asked.

“Please,” the bird looked around, “stay quiet. I can’t let her know I’m here. My name is Margret.”

“Half egret? Why would I trust you?”

“There’s no time. You must find the white male.”

The baby was confused. “Which white male?”

“Tell him ‘It was day.’ ”

“What? I don’t even…” Just then the baby heard a metallic clink by the door. “Hello?”

The baby waddled over. Margret was gone, but the door was unlocked. The baby creaked it open, until he heard a voice behind him.

“What’s going on?” It was the nurse, looking surprised, but beautiful as ever.

“We have to find the white male.”

“What? How do you know?”

“Let’s just say”—the baby grinned—“a little birdie told me.”

***

The Giraffetasaur woke up in a dark room. He felt a sting in his neck.

“Hey!” he shouted into the darkness, “what going on here?”

A familiar voice responded over a loudspeaker: “You’re in the dark room.”

The Giraffetasaur was not surprised.

The voice continued: “You will bring back Brittany, but she won’t take your blood.”

“Now, why would I go and do that?” The Giraffetasaur growled.

“Because we’ve injected you with Giraffetacide. If you don’t bring back Brittany in the next episode, the poison will eat your giraffe half, and she’ll stay dead. Forever.”

The Giraffetasaur cringed, but he knew he the voice was right. “On one condition.”

“That is?”

“Take me to her yourself, dad.”

Just then, a door swung open. “I guess there’s no surprising you… son.”

King Mean Man stood in the doorway, snarling and cackling villainously. But he was wearing a dogstache. And the Giraffetasaur was so surprised.

4x03: They Took My Baby

Brittany was reminiscing about season four. It hadn’t been very good. And of course, when she finally came back to life in the fifth episode, no one was surprised.

She told her friends she was glad to be alive. But her newfound cigarette habit told careful viewers a different story.

“They took my baby,” she said to someone off-screen.

“I know, Brittany. You'll just have to trust my plan.” The voice was cold and mean.

“Has Joe figured it out?” Brittany was concerned.

“Not quite.”

Brittany sighed. “But you've convinced him to go back?” The shot widened, revealing that mean girl.

“That's right.” She cackled. “And when does, everyone will be so surprised.”

***

“We found the body!”

Marecrow had sent Chardion and Scobatron IV to retrieve Brittany’s corpse. They had heard rumors about Brittany. Apparently, she was not a very dynamic or interesting character, but that dumb show revolved around her love for some inhuman creature anyway.

Marecrow rushed down, into the hull, smiling and villainously eyeing the dead girl.

“If we bring her back,” Chardion was so unsure of himself, “will she be half-lion? Like me?”

“I guess we’ll ‘half’ to wait and see.” Scobatron IV had recently been programmed to make puns. It was not very good, but it certainly was not the only poorly written program around.

Marecrow sneered. “Prepare her room!” she commanded.

Chardion and Scobatron IV nodded their heads submissively, grabbed Brittany and carried her away.

***

“Who’s that guy on the other side of the cage?” The baby was curious, but no one else seemed to care.

“Do you think Brittany’s okay?” The nurse looked over at the Giraffetasaur.

The Giraffetasaur was brooding, as usual. “They want her,” he said gruffly, “just as bad as we do.”

“And they can bring her back?”

The Giraffetasaur didn’t have time to respond, because just then, a few guards swung open the cage, pointing their guns at him.

“You’re coming with us, you dirty animal.” It wasn’t a fair characterization. The Giraffetasaur was only dirty because the guards had stuck him in that cage outside.

“You gonna shoot me? Far as I know, I’m the only one who knows how to bring her back.”

“Nope,” the guard laughed. “Gonna shoot the baby.” He grabbed the baby out of the cage. “On your knees!”

The guard looked at the Giraffetasaur, then back down. “Come with us, or we’re gonna shoot this stupid baby’s fat head.”

The Giraffetasaur grimaced. “Go ahead. Shoot the damn baby.”

“No!” The nurse screamed, and knocked the Giraffetasaur’s head against the bars. Sometimes it was a little too easy to knock people out in these shows. But it was still pretty surprising.

“Go ahead, take him away.” The nurse was scared. “Just don’t hurt that baby.”

“And how are we supposed to make this animal cooperate when he wakes up?”

The nurse reached into her pocket. “Give him this,” she spoke softly, and removed a syringe.

“I’m going to kill that baby if this doesn’t work,” the guard grumbled. “But what is it?”

“Isn't that obvious?” The nurse just smiled. “It's a surprise.”