4x08: Star Struck

How do you pronounce Surprisland? The baby stared big-headedly at Brad’s multiple-choice test. Why does the mean man’s name change in every episode? Had it been changing?

“I…” The baby looked direly at the nurse. “I’d almost forgotten how dumb this show was.”

Brad recognized the baby’s anxiety. “You’ll never find the white male,” he laughed. “You can’t do it.”

Just then everything tensed. The baby was about to tantrum, and looked at Brad—an awful, villainous look—and started crying, slowly at first then louder and everyone knew what was coming next because then the baby pulled out a gun.

Brad tried to get out of the way, but the baby cackled and pulled the trigger and suddenly two really handsome characters had died in back-to-back episodes and that big-headed baby was just shouting villainously at Brad’s dead body: “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”

The nurse knew the baby needed a nap, but the baby pushed her out of the way and marched ahead. “Wait!” The nurse was crying too now. “Why do you need to talk to that white male so badly?”

The baby turned and spoke, more calmly than ever: “I’m not going to talk to white male.”

The nurse’s beautiful blue eyes widened as the music crescendoed.

“I’m going to kill him.”

***

Margret sat in her nest, watching her shows and reading celebrity gossip magazines. It was all pretty relaxing until half a giraffe and one lion showed up.

“Have you seen a vaguely heroic-looking TV star around here?” asked the most handsome one.

Margret got so excited and she vomited a little. “Oh my god, really—who?”

“His name is Joe,” said the handsome one again.

Margret looked so surprised. “You’re kidding! I love Surprise Joe. I still can’t believe it got canceled after twelve episodes.” She pointed to a poster hanging on her nest, or something.

“Yeah. Joe is here,” said the smarter one, reflectively. “He came from the future. And we need to find him… Before he finds the white male.”

Margret grew concerned. “If anything happens to the white male…” She turned pale.

Suddenly, Joe leapt out from behind Margret. He was doing jump-kicks and back-handsprings all over the place. The Giraffetasaur charged at him, but Joe knocked him down.

“I’m not from the future!” Joe shouted, before the others could attack. “I’m the real hero of this show. And I will stop Future Joe.”

Margret was pretty star-struck, and the dumb one was still confused. But everyone else was so surprised.

***

Meanwhile, the Mean Ultimatum hacked away brush as he led Brittany-from-the-past through the jungle.

“I’m going to kill that baby,” he said.

Brittany stayed quiet. She was moderately conflicted—it was her baby after all. But Brittany hadn’t felt the same way about life since she’d come back from the dead. And that baby was being naughty.

Just then, they heard a threatening a vaguely threatening, mysterious noise and stopped.

A shadowy figure emerged. “Come with me,” he said, almost mechanically. “I can help.”

The Mean Ultimatum stared down the stranger. “Who are you?”

“Call me...” the stranger paused as he turned around: “Scotronica 5000.”

4x07: Left IV Dead

The mean girl and Brittany had come back to the island from the future or whatever. Brittany just wanted to find her baby and go home.

“I can’t believe Joe didn’t notice us on that plane,” the mean girl sounded disappointed.

Brittany turned toward her: “That guy he was with—the doctor, he was so…”

“That,” the mean girl laughed, “was the mean man. He wants to rewrite the ending of season four or something.”

“Wait, like—”

“Okay, so if Scobatron never dies, then your baby might not either.”

“Wait…” Brittany was so surprised. “What?”

***

The Mean Supremacy was brooding. “I guess I’m going to die soon.”

Brittany-from-the-present had just come back to life. She was in a good mood. “Just because you-from-the-future got killed by an arrow, doesn’t mean you will.”

He stared intently ahead. “I’ll do it for you.”

“Do what?”

He pointed toward the Giraffetasaur.

That’s when Brittany realized. “My baby,” she said quietly.

The Mean Supremacy glanced down. “Joe-from-the-future needs me.”

“I need you.” The writers must have known no one was reading. They were getting so lazy with the dialogue.

“They came back because the ending of season four was really bad. They came back to fix it. But they don't know...”

“You mean…” Brittany was shocked.

The Mean Supremacy glowered. “Don’t look so surprised.”

***

“You really don’t have any idea where this is going, do you?” The nurse could have been talking to the writers, but she was talking to that big-headed baby.

“We’re going to see the white male.”

“No!” She shouted. “This is ridiculous. How can we go see the white male if you don’t know where he is?”

Just then a man appeared. He was white. And it was so surprising.

“Wait. You’re the white male?” The nurse sounded disappointed.

“No.” Brad sighed. His character had been severely underutilized this season.

“I need to see the white male,” said the baby.

“Nobody sees the white male…” Brad tried to milk his few lines for dramatic effect. “Until they pass this test.”

The nurse trembled.

Brad pulled out a Scantron sheet and grinned. “I hope you brought a number-two pencil.”

***

Meanwhile, Scobatron IV was bathing Chardion.

Nothing was out of the ordinary, until the Giraffetasaur busted in. “We have to stop that baby!”

“Where did you come from?” Chardion was afraid.

“I was on that plane from the future.”

“Why should we believe you?”

“Don’t believe me,” the Giraffetasaur said. “Believe him…”

Another, more confident-looking, Chardion stepped into the room. Chardion was so surprised. But it was Scobatron IV’s turn to take a bath.

“So if you’re from the future…” Scobatron IV was skeptical. “Am I really going to die?”

Just then, Chardion-from-the-past realized such an awful thing and he shouted, "Scoba! No!"

There was a huge explosion and an electrical fire, and Scobatron IV short-circuited and died in the bathtub.

“If you want to make an omelette,” the Giraffetasaur trailed off.

“The robot must die?”

“No. You have to break… Well. Yeah, I guess.”

“Oh.” It wasn’t funny because everyone's favorite, sassy half-robot was dead. Or maybe it was a poorly written exchange. Except it didn't matter either way, because Chardion-from-the-past was so surprised.

4x06: They're Back

“I don’t understand,” said the nurse. “What do you want from this white male?”

The baby gazed ahead. “It’s not what I want… It’s what the Surprisland wants.”

It had nothing to do with the story, but the writers were always adding meaningless twists. “What about Brittany?”

The baby looked up. “It’s too late.”

Just then the sound of a jet engine roared out of nowhere. The nurse was so surprised. “You mean—”

“That’s right.” The baby stared off. “They’re back.”

***

Scobatron IV burst into the room where Brittany was alive. But the Giraffetasaur was beating the life out of the Mean Half-Man.

“You did this to her! You knew—”

The Mean Half-Man was cackling hysterically. “hHAAAAHHAAAHAHAAaaaaaa!!!”

“I tried to protect her—to make her human again. But…”

The Mean Half-Man was being so weird, and spitting blood like such a villain. “HAAHAHAhaahaahahaaaah!!!!”

Until Marecrow shouted, “stop!”

The Giraffetasaur froze. She was pointing a bow-and-arrow at him.

“This arrow has been dipped in Formula X.” Everyone remembered Season One. Formula X had almost stopped Joe from attending his own surprise party. It was so dangerous. “Brittany is no longer ‘yours,’ you animal.”

The Giraffetasaur growled. He lowered his gaze. “Half animal.” He leaped toward Marecrow, but when she let her arrow go, he was moving so quickly and the arrow missed. It was going straight at Scobatron IV…

***

Chardion was upstairs when he saw the arrow heading straight at Scobatron IV. He was so scared, but he had to act fast to save his friend. So he pulled out his cell phone and pressed the number 4. It was speed dial.

The phone rang a couple of times when Scobatron IV picked it up. “Hello?”

“Scoba! There’s an arrow coming toward you.”

“So what? I’m not some scaredy-cat like you.”

“Scoba, you have to move!”

“I only take orders from one person.”

But Chardion knew who that person was, so he hung up. He didn’t have that number on speed dial, but his friend’s life was at stake. So he made one more call.

***

Downstairs, Brittany’s phone rang.

“Hello?”

Everyone looked at Brittany. There wasn’t much time left. That arrow was moving so fast.

“What? This is so dumb,” she said. But she hung up the phone and spoke. “Scobatron IV: As your maker, I command you to move!”

Instantly, Scobatron IV moved. The arrow flew by his neck. It was such a close call.

Everyone looked at Brittany. It was pretty surprising.

But the arrow wasn’t done. That door right behind Scobatron IV swung open, and everyone gasped as the arrow hit someone else in the neck.

The Mean Half-Man stopped cackling. He grabbed the Giraffetasaur. “This… can’t happen! No. It doesn’t make sense.”

The Giraffetasaur snarled. “Nothing in this damn show makes sense.”

“But…” the Mean Half-Man stepped toward the door. “Don’t you know what my other half is?!” Everyone looked around. Apparently no one cared.

And then the man with the arrow in his neck spoke. “You’re… half-god.”

The Mean Demigod was awestruck. “How did you… Where did you come from?”

“I’m from… the future.” It was the Mean Middle-Manager. And everyone was so surprised.

4x05: Flashes Before Your Surprise

The network had warned against a mid-season hiatus. Everyone would forget what was going on and lose interest! they shouted. But few people paid attention to Surprise Joe anyway. And no one ever knew what was going on...

Except the Giraffetasaur:



Brittany had been dead since season three, and only the Giraffetasaur could bring her back. Since Emperor Mean Man had injected him with Giraffetacide, there would be severe (however vaguely explained) consequences if he brought her back. But, if she wasn't revived this episode, everyone would tire of the storyline and the show could end. Forever.



“Go ahead,” the Emperor snarled wickedly. No one was sure what the Emperor’s motivation was. Not even the writers.

The Giraffetasaur growled. “Brittany is mine.”



“Not for long. If she is infected with the Giraffetacide, you'll never see her again.”

“I must protect her.” For all his antihero rhetoric and growling, the Giraffetasaur was fiercely loyal. He stepped toward Brittany’s dead body. “Her feelings for me,” he spoke sternly, protracting his Giraffetafangs, “are not my concern…”



***



Upstairs, Chardion watched as the Giraffetasaur brought Brittany back to life. It was all pretty fantastic and vivid, and there was an orchestra playing some very sentimental music, and reaction shots, but then suddenly Chardion felt a sharp pain. It was like a headache, but more dramatic.

And then Chardion collapsed.

Scobatron IV remained calm. “Hey buddy?” He was poking Chardion. “Whatcha doin' there?”



Marecrow was annoyed. “Seriously—right now? We’ve got work to do!” She looked down. Brittany was alive. “Wake him up, robot.” She stormed off. “Now!”

***



***

After a short commercial break, Chardion opened his eyes. Scobatron IV was hovering over him.

“Hey! You’re alive,” the robot was so glad.

But Chardion looked scared. “I saw something Scoba.”



“Yeah, well we better get down there. Brittany’s back, and Marecrow—”

“No.” Chardion grabbed Scobatron. “Don’t listen to her. You have to get out of here!”

“Does not compute.” Scobatron IV always followed orders.



“You don’t understand. Just now… I saw something. Have you seen those flashforwards? You know. Where Brittany is concerned that somebody took her baby, and Joe is always crying about how bad he wants to go back?”

Scobatron hadn’t.

“Exactly.” Chardion looked around. His accent was starting to sound Scottish or something. “I think what I saw—”



“It was the future.”

“Okay.”

Chardion stared at his friend. “You’re gonna die, Scoba.”

“Does not compute,” he responded coldly, and rushed off to help Marecrow.



Immediately, Chardion realized Scobatron IV’s surprise altimeter must have been deactivated. It smelled like foul play—or maybe eagle feathers. And Chardion was so surprised.

***

Meanwhile, in the future, Dr. Mean Man was with Joe on the plane. They were going back.



“So if season four already happened,” Joe looked concerned. “I mean, can we really save that baby?”

The Professor was not cackling. He spoke gravely: “It’s not the past we need to change…” He looked at Joe. “You see, there’s something I need to tell you,” there was a quiet fear behind his villainous eyes, “about the second half of Season 4…”



Then the screen went black. It was probably supposed to be surprising. But everyone was so confused.