4x02: We Have to Go Back

The crew disembarked, walked past some stupid-looking guards, and through the open gate. There was a crowd waiting. 

A woman stepped in front of the crowd. She acted like she was in charge, smacking her lips villainously. Birds were flying away, terrified of her assertive, type A tendencies. It was the Marecrow.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” she sneered.

“Ain’t here to see you," the Giraffetasaur said handsomely. “Take us to the king.”

“How thoughtless of me. I should’ve known you’d want to see your daddy.” She laughed.

The Giraffetasaur looked so serious: “Now.”

Her smile turned. “Lot’s changed since you’ve been gone,” she hissed. He growled and stepped toward the Marecrow. Her guards lifted their guns instantly.

He stopped. Then grinned. He took another step toward her. One guard fired a shot. Immediately, that big headed baby pulled a gun, shot once, and killed that guard.

The other guards were so surprised. They didn’t realize the baby killed Joe’s clone in season one. And they definitely didn’t want to shoot a baby. It probably just needed a new diaper, they thought. But the baby was so smart and—noting their hesitancy—shot a few more guards, reloaded and killed the rest.

The baby spoke firmly, gun pointed at the Marecrow: “Why don’t you take us to the king.”

She just laughed. Suddenly, a Giraffetasaur cage fell from the sky. The Giraffetasaur and his crew were trapped.

The nurse screamed, “no!”

                                                  

“This old thing?” the Marecrow smiled. “Don’t look so surprised.”

***

Elsewhere, Joe and Brad were posing for a picture.

“We have to go back,” said Joe. He was so heroic, and the star of the most surprising ever serial mystery, but Joe was getting kind of lame.

“Seriously?" Brad asked. "What’s the point? Brittany’s gone. The show’s awful. Let it go.” Brad was being pretty sensible. The show wasn’t very good.

“I can fix this." Joe looked desperate. "I can save her. I can—”

Just then, Colonel Mean Man barged in, short of breath. “Excuse me.”

“What do you want, villain?” Joe said, not caring much. The Colonel was the worst.

But the Colonel was not discouraged: “The mean girl is gone!”

Brad stared blankly. “Who cares?”

Joe did. It was giving him a plan. And he was so surprised.

The Colonel looked so serious. “She’s on her way to the Surpisland!”

“So you’re saying,” Joe tried to look serious, “we have to go back.”

Brad sighed. “This is so stupid.”

“You’re not getting it,” Colonel Mean Man replied. “She’s looking for the baby!”

Joe grimaced. “And that would mean the end of…”

“Just stop.” Brad was annoyed—but then, intense, dissonant orchestral music started playing. “Every season the show comes back. And every season it gets dumber. And are they just recycling these pictures from season one? At this point, I’m okay with the end of the show.”

 “No!” The Colonel was pretty mad now. But at least it was a new picture. “Don’t you see? Surprise Joe was cancelled almost two seasons ago!” The music was getting louder.

Joe continued: “If she finds the baby, it won’t just be the end of the show.” Suddenly Joe grew a beard, and the background music was making some pretty boring dialogue seem important.

“If we don't go back, it won't just be the end.” Suddenly, the music stopped. “It will be a vague, unsatisfying ending.”

4x01: Live Together, Surprise Alone

It wasn't really gone that long.

But they felt like they'd been waiting forever.

So when it finally came back, they were so surprised.

“I sure didn’t expect this,” said Chardion. He was pretty anxious, but he couldn't watch that surprising ship return to its harbor. He had to stare straight ahead. Partly because he had such an important job: he was guarding the most important gate on the whole island! But mostly, Chardion didn’t look at Scobatron IV because everyone always stared straight ahead in this dumb show.

Scobatron IV was annoyed. “And we’re just supposed to let them in. Why do we even guard this stupid gate?” He was half robot, but all attitude.

Except he knew it wasn’t a stupid gate. It was a strong gate. And inside was the most important thing ever.

“I’m scared.” Chardion had never seen a dead girl before.

“Don’t be a pussy cat. You’re a full-grown lion.”

“Half lion.”

“Whatever. Just remember, she’ll be more surprised by us than we are of her.”

Chardion took a deep breath. It didn’t make much sense, but he felt a little better. And slowly, they opened that important gate.

***

The Giraffetasaur brooded handsomely over Brittany’s dead body. That last cure had killed her, like he’d planned. But if she was going to come back, the Giraffetasaur had to find the most important thing on that mysterious island. He’d figured there would be a few episodes of suspenseful buildup before she was a lead character again.

The most beautiful nurse sat on the other side of the room, warming milk. It was almost time to feed the baby. “I hope you’re not expecting a warm welcome,” she said.

The Giraffetasaur glared. “Blondie, other than that milk,” he kept his eyes on Brittany, “I ain’t expecting anything warm.”

                                                   

She sighed. "You never could write dialogue..."

Just then that big-headed baby came toddling down the stairs. It was such a miracle that the baby was walking, but no one looked too surprised: strange things always happened on the island.

“We're secured to the dock." The baby was talking. "They’re opening the gate. Maybe a dozen men on the other side, but no sign of who we’re looking for.” It wasn’t the best grammar, but the baby was so young.

The nurse was worried. If they didn’t find it soon, Brittany might stay dead. Forever. “Are they armed?”

“Looks like it.”

The Giraffetasaur raised his focus from Brittany for the first time. “Well ain’t that a shame…”

“What’s a shame?” Brittany was confused. She shouldn’t have had any dialogue this episode. Mostly because she was dead. But the writers weren’t known for their attention to detail.

The Giraffetasaur stood up. “Shame, ‘cause if I’d known they were having me a welcome-home party, I’da put on a nicer shirt.” He was being so arrogant and sarcastic. It was hot.

The nurse started to walk away, then turned back with a question: “Home?”

The Giraffetasaur stared a long time at Brittany before answering, “I was born here.”

“You mean…” the baby was so shocked.

“You got it, kid. Welcome to the Suprisland”